I love you. When i first fell in love with you, I didn't have ... A REASON. My heart just beat faster around you, my heart filled with helium and felt lighter, freer. The whole world seemed filled with possibility. Why was that? Why was ur filled with so much possibility? I see no wthat i thought we could do more together than living separate lives. Synergy.
Do we have more now? YES. Our kids. Our family. That's the more we have and that's IT.
What more do we have? What more could we have. What more is there?
These are the questions that have undone me. But the truth is, Love needs no reason. It just IS. I love you because it feels right. Because i am only able to lose myself, my sense of all reason and logical control with you. ONLY YOU. Which means that when i am with you, i come completely undone from all the rigid structures in me. All the rules, all the patterns of accepted conduct and accepted ways. I just am completely driven by my longing to be accepted AS I AM. Driven by a need to be connected. To hear the words "I love you" and know you feel the same un-doneness with me. To lose myself in that feeling.
It mattered not when i first fell in love with what you were good at or what you were not. IT DIDN'T. I just wanted to be near you.
Why has that changed? Only because we have responsibilities towards other people now. When we first feel in love, that love was so consuming we didn't care who else mattered. But then we grew accustomed to being together, as we learned to manage those feelings we had for each other.. and as we gained reason once more, REASON TOOK OVER. Suddenly other people began to matter, and especially our children.
Our children. The extra we wanted to have out of life. When i first fell in love with you, having your child was a gift. For both of us. Now, it is a responsibility. A part of life that is part of everyone's life. Not just ours. And so, the gift lost its value.
They feel it. We feel it. But it's only because.. I have forgotten what i felt like when i first fell in love with you. Reason took over my heart.
I don't know why i love a man who has bipolar. I don't know how i stay on with him because it involves coping and overcoming issues with addiction, it means fighting to keep my strong family values and sometimes single-handedly keeping the family steady, it means accepting that he sometimes has limited or no control over his excessive passions, and that he can become aloof and rebellious towards life which can be downright inconvenient or even damaging at times. I don't. It doesn't make sense and i can see so clearly how i could end up miserable sharing living space and joined decision making with this man. But that is NOT why i first fell in love with him. Not me. I didn't rationally evaluate how life with him would be like BEFORE deciding that i would share life with him. No. When i met him, my heart took wings and all else in my life has been to make that flight continue on. Except that fight actually doesn't need anything to do with effort or reason to continue on.
Irresponsible, unsteady, bad boy...bipolar. Labels the world attaches to a man i feel happy with. Labels that make me feel a coward to love him freely... because i know it makes me end up being judged as foolish and wanting. The one great fear i have - being labelled a fool. And i have allowed it to rob me of the very wings i gained when i i first fell in love. Back when he didn't need to be successful, responsible, wise, mature, stable, a 'good' father. Back when he was just a boy, and all that moved my heart was the way i felt so right near him. Just being near him. It occurs to me now that's all i have ever wanted. To be near him, to feel right, to feel happy in my heart.. as if i am 'home'. That feeling i have never found anywhere else in life, and is the reason i am still with him.
Label me foolish. But i think i am logical enough to realise that all things we want in life come with a price tag. Something of value needs to be exchanged in order to gain what we treasure. And some things cost more than others. In my case, i am willing to pay a very high price to feel what i have never been able to feel anywhere else with anyone else. Now, if i can afford it, why does it matter to anyone else what i obtain? It is merely their judgement of what they would be willing to pay. But they are not me and so they never will be able to fathom my willingness to pay. Cost and value are NOT the same thing. And so by that reasoning, i can reason away reason itself and.. follow my heart.
And my heart wants him. If he will have me. Only me.
If it's only me he will share himself with, then that's all i want. Irresponsible, unsteady, bipolar, bad boy. Labels i will accept. Judge me foolish, i don't care. Cost and value are two different things. I have found my treasure, where my heart finds its wings. Where i grow and evolve the MOST in life. Where i become the true metal i was meant to be. Judge me to be lacking in all else, but what you fail to see is that i have what i most want - what gives my heart power to defeat the fears and limitations of my mind. For when i love him, i defy all reason and logic.. especially for myself. I am left completely helpless and undone, simply BEing a little girl who feels happy because she has that which her heart most needs to stay beating strong and true.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I Don't Know
How do you make a life with someone who only wants to live in their own head?
You can't.
You make the life you want happen.
And then hope they'll come along for the ride.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Limitations
No matter how much of an ocean of love mommy has .. some things in life are just beyond mommy's hands ....
So mommy can only pray and pray and pray...and love you the best you will let me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Why the guilt?
i think those times when people feel guilt for something negative they cannot control..it is actually them grieving, but being unable to let go of the fact that they did not have control (much like a parent whose child inherits an illness)
for those time when people feel guilt for something seemingly 'inconsequential', it is them straining against the values they have been taught to adopt but are actually a mismatch to thier true essence.
as for those who feel genuine guilt over something that was done poorly, it is a regret, a wish within themselves to have done better.
in all cases, guilt is a SIGNAL..a type of gauge for our inner self love tank.. when we have guilt, we know we need to do some re-alignment within..whether it is to accept a truth we have been avoiding, or to evolve and sift out what is our true values that match who we truly are, or to take steps to forgive ourselves and move forward to a better today and tomorrow.
it is when i avoid guilt, and label it as a bad thing that problems arise. in fact, many of life's issues arise from a DUALITY VIEW of good and bad. when i reframe what has happened into what works/doesn't work or positive/negative and leave emotional judgements out of the picture..i can usually see better how that guilt can actually work for me, to help me re-align with where and who i really need to be..
for those time when people feel guilt for something seemingly 'inconsequential', it is them straining against the values they have been taught to adopt but are actually a mismatch to thier true essence.
as for those who feel genuine guilt over something that was done poorly, it is a regret, a wish within themselves to have done better.
in all cases, guilt is a SIGNAL..a type of gauge for our inner self love tank.. when we have guilt, we know we need to do some re-alignment within..whether it is to accept a truth we have been avoiding, or to evolve and sift out what is our true values that match who we truly are, or to take steps to forgive ourselves and move forward to a better today and tomorrow.
it is when i avoid guilt, and label it as a bad thing that problems arise. in fact, many of life's issues arise from a DUALITY VIEW of good and bad. when i reframe what has happened into what works/doesn't work or positive/negative and leave emotional judgements out of the picture..i can usually see better how that guilt can actually work for me, to help me re-align with where and who i really need to be..
I forgive you for breaking my heart..
How is it possible to forgive people who lie and steal from us..whether the impact is material or our time/energy even our happiness..?
I think that happens when we see that in forgiving them it is WE who are letting go of the hurt and negativity their poor choices have caused. We forgive not to bless them, but to bless ourselves, as an act of self love. Being positive does not mean we allow others to bully us and we become doormats, it is not to become foolish and lay ourselves open to attack. Rather, it is to always CHOOSE to reframe what is before us and inside us in a better light.to turn on the light sometimes. Darkness after all cannot be explained..it isn't really anything except the absence of light. So being positive is merely bringing light and love to any situation we are in..it's a choice that affirms our own soul's right to be free and to be loved. It is being able to CHOOSE for ourselves a happy ending within us, if not without, so we do not stay trapped and helpless by what has hit us hard.
I may not get back the item/time/energy stolen, but i will come to a point where i will also no longer believe that losing whatever it is that was taken away has impaired my life. I can overcome and thrive even..
I think that happens when we see that in forgiving them it is WE who are letting go of the hurt and negativity their poor choices have caused. We forgive not to bless them, but to bless ourselves, as an act of self love. Being positive does not mean we allow others to bully us and we become doormats, it is not to become foolish and lay ourselves open to attack. Rather, it is to always CHOOSE to reframe what is before us and inside us in a better light.to turn on the light sometimes. Darkness after all cannot be explained..it isn't really anything except the absence of light. So being positive is merely bringing light and love to any situation we are in..it's a choice that affirms our own soul's right to be free and to be loved. It is being able to CHOOSE for ourselves a happy ending within us, if not without, so we do not stay trapped and helpless by what has hit us hard.
I may not get back the item/time/energy stolen, but i will come to a point where i will also no longer believe that losing whatever it is that was taken away has impaired my life. I can overcome and thrive even..
Saturday, August 29, 2009
All My Love
I married just before turning 23. It was a love story of 8 years and many obstacles conquered. So u can say that i married a man i had great hope of being happy with. And he truly loved me..still does. But we are of vastly different cultures and while it didn't affect us before we were married, it did after, especially when the children arrived. The way his family understands love and family is different from mine. Cultural differences, family style differences. And then of course he has Bipolar Disorder, a disorder that causes the person to become emotionally unstable and affects their ability to think and function when they relapse. So for a long time, although we had a great love..we had serious trouble living together, and working together to build a family.
And then i know a couple who fell in love because they had so much in common - the same dreams and ideas about life – and were the perfect complement to each, both sharing the same culture and outlook on life. They have had no illnesses to throw them off track but are struggling to understand each other now after 10 years..as children have come along and both partners can't seem to agree on the best way to handle their family.
And then i know another couple who have had children, were doing very well together as a family.. but then the wife started working after being home for many years to raise the kids and her new freedom and confidence made her a different person. They are having a rough time now because she has changed so much..and both partners feel they are married to people they no longer know or understand. They are committed to each other, but it's a lot of pain right now..as they are still trying to work out how best to carry on together from here.
And yet another couple who have had children and are enjoying their marriage tremendously.. because both share same family values and culture. But they hardly have time with each other, as the husband has a very demanding job and it's what he has to do to support them in the comfort and style they want for their family and for each other.
In each of these marriages (and i believe now) in every marriage, every person struggles with loneliness..in one way or another.
And so i wonder.. is my marriage truly hampered by this medical disorder? Or is in fact every marriage tainted by some disorder after all, varying only in the apparent visibility and intensity of the consequences brought on by that disorder?
If this is true, then perhaps the only difference between partnerships that survive and those that suffer is that strong relationships are those where people (either one party or both) accept that they need to work hard at STAYING TOGETHER, MAKING IT WORK BY WORKING THROUGH THE CHALLENGES TOGETHER. If you accept that and decide to stay against all odds, it's almost as if you can't let go because you started out so in love with each other and it's someone you chose out of everyone and when it gets super rough, you remember..your heart remembers..that once long ago..it was so good..before kids, mortgages, bills, exhaustion, illness. And you can't help but think that maybe.. just maybe.. we still love each other deeply and if all these were taken away, we would see that love clearer.
Which is why maybe when you go away together and leave your daily life behind for a while, you get to see whether you are still good together. And if you are..then you realise it's not you don't love each other anymore..but you are both stuck being a grown-up all the time in a very grown-up world with very heavy grown-up burdens and THAT'S the real problem. You realise that as long as there is a desire to love and be loved, and the openness of heart to accept that over the years people age and become tired and you don't stop loving someone and move on just because someone has become ill/tired or too grown-up (also a type of illness if you ask me) ..then it CAN still work out somehow and work out well even. You have HOPE.
And so here i am still with a man i sometimes struggle to understand and feel so frustrated with, and at times a man who fills me with fear and uncertainty as i care for our very young children in the presence of his unstable emotions and less than desirable actions. Because you see.. every marriage has a lurking disability and every partnerships its share of challenges. To judge mine tougher is merely to accept that i need to work a lot differently from the others and what works for most doesn't work for me. But to say it doesn't work? Only if i don't try with all my heart, with all my love.
And then i know a couple who fell in love because they had so much in common - the same dreams and ideas about life – and were the perfect complement to each, both sharing the same culture and outlook on life. They have had no illnesses to throw them off track but are struggling to understand each other now after 10 years..as children have come along and both partners can't seem to agree on the best way to handle their family.
And then i know another couple who have had children, were doing very well together as a family.. but then the wife started working after being home for many years to raise the kids and her new freedom and confidence made her a different person. They are having a rough time now because she has changed so much..and both partners feel they are married to people they no longer know or understand. They are committed to each other, but it's a lot of pain right now..as they are still trying to work out how best to carry on together from here.
And yet another couple who have had children and are enjoying their marriage tremendously.. because both share same family values and culture. But they hardly have time with each other, as the husband has a very demanding job and it's what he has to do to support them in the comfort and style they want for their family and for each other.
In each of these marriages (and i believe now) in every marriage, every person struggles with loneliness..in one way or another.
And so i wonder.. is my marriage truly hampered by this medical disorder? Or is in fact every marriage tainted by some disorder after all, varying only in the apparent visibility and intensity of the consequences brought on by that disorder?
If this is true, then perhaps the only difference between partnerships that survive and those that suffer is that strong relationships are those where people (either one party or both) accept that they need to work hard at STAYING TOGETHER, MAKING IT WORK BY WORKING THROUGH THE CHALLENGES TOGETHER. If you accept that and decide to stay against all odds, it's almost as if you can't let go because you started out so in love with each other and it's someone you chose out of everyone and when it gets super rough, you remember..your heart remembers..that once long ago..it was so good..before kids, mortgages, bills, exhaustion, illness. And you can't help but think that maybe.. just maybe.. we still love each other deeply and if all these were taken away, we would see that love clearer.
Which is why maybe when you go away together and leave your daily life behind for a while, you get to see whether you are still good together. And if you are..then you realise it's not you don't love each other anymore..but you are both stuck being a grown-up all the time in a very grown-up world with very heavy grown-up burdens and THAT'S the real problem. You realise that as long as there is a desire to love and be loved, and the openness of heart to accept that over the years people age and become tired and you don't stop loving someone and move on just because someone has become ill/tired or too grown-up (also a type of illness if you ask me) ..then it CAN still work out somehow and work out well even. You have HOPE.
And so here i am still with a man i sometimes struggle to understand and feel so frustrated with, and at times a man who fills me with fear and uncertainty as i care for our very young children in the presence of his unstable emotions and less than desirable actions. Because you see.. every marriage has a lurking disability and every partnerships its share of challenges. To judge mine tougher is merely to accept that i need to work a lot differently from the others and what works for most doesn't work for me. But to say it doesn't work? Only if i don't try with all my heart, with all my love.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
As Good As It Gets
19 August 2009
Before the diagnosis i spent many years trying everything i could think of to engineer circumstances and lifestyle choices, thinking our love would help cure his insecurities that were causing the drama and bad choices. I finally came to accept at the end of 2007 that perhaps, all he needed was me being affirming. That seemed to work best. And for a while.. it was really good because i had let go and accepted what was, and moved on to making magic from whatever we did have. A lot like playing when the sun shone and accepting that rainstorms were an eventual and inevitable part of life.
But when he got diagnosed, i had HOPE again of a cure to the drama and bad choices, and more importantly all the accompanying consequences. Of course BP has no cure but i thought maybe with meds and alternative healing, with better insight into his complex past that triggered the BP..he could really get 'better'. But today i accepted that 'better' is such a pressure for him, for me. What if this is as good as it gets? But most of all, what if trying to make him 'better' is perhaps what is keeping us a prisoner to the BP? After all, only the broken need 'fixing' and only what is substandard needs to be made better. I can imagine him daily, feeling a need to get 'better' and nurturing a sense of low self esteem with each passing day he stays acutely aware of the fact that he needs fixing. If this is as good as he gets, then i'm choosing today to be okay with that.
As my cousin, a beautiful doctor with a heart, said so clearly to me today- for BP, the best you can really do as a significant other is try and get relapses farther apart, reduce the intensity and damage during a relapse, and be there to accelerate recovery.
It totally freed me..to realise that i can't make him 'better', but that i can support him through relapses. I can't prevent rainstorms, but i can open umbrellas and prepare hot coco. That's the BEST i CAN do.
I have been living with guilt all these years that maybe if i had been more vigilant, more disciplined, more alert..maybe i could have circumvented some of his disastrous episodes; avoided the despair not to mention the financial damage. So that's what i have been like in the past years..ever vigilant, ever alert. I eventually progressed to living without fear of possible doom, but when he got diagnosed, i became obsessed instead on him getting better. But i have just pushed him away, pushed myself into a corner, made everyone a distant friend..because i have been living on a timeline hoping for a cure. Waiting for that breakthrough.. AND THEN i can finally LIVE.
But if this is as good as it gets.. then my waiting is over. I can start living RIGHT NOW. No more waiting means i can release the pressure on myself and on him to reach for 'better'. Better can just come if and when it's ready, and we can instead give our all to making life good as it is, with what we have right now..AS IS.
There will always be relapses around the corner. Like rainstorms, I need not feel bad when a relapse does become imminent, because it's not my lack of love or his lack of care that has caused it. If you live in the tropics, it WILL rain. No point dreading it, blaming it, or grumbling about it when a downpour does appear. But we CAN both try to minimise it affecting/damaging our lives and work at getting back on track as soon as possible. And for this, i also realise that it's okay for us to need special friends.. friends who realise along with us that relapses aren't a sign of failure, but a real fact of illness, and that we will need understanding/emotional support through such times and that we will possibly be less available in some/many ways until we are past the storm. Friends who know we have much to give, and who let us be our best..AS IS.
At least i now know..what to ask of myself, of him, and all the world.
And that means i can finally..freely live and love again :)
Before the diagnosis i spent many years trying everything i could think of to engineer circumstances and lifestyle choices, thinking our love would help cure his insecurities that were causing the drama and bad choices. I finally came to accept at the end of 2007 that perhaps, all he needed was me being affirming. That seemed to work best. And for a while.. it was really good because i had let go and accepted what was, and moved on to making magic from whatever we did have. A lot like playing when the sun shone and accepting that rainstorms were an eventual and inevitable part of life.
But when he got diagnosed, i had HOPE again of a cure to the drama and bad choices, and more importantly all the accompanying consequences. Of course BP has no cure but i thought maybe with meds and alternative healing, with better insight into his complex past that triggered the BP..he could really get 'better'. But today i accepted that 'better' is such a pressure for him, for me. What if this is as good as it gets? But most of all, what if trying to make him 'better' is perhaps what is keeping us a prisoner to the BP? After all, only the broken need 'fixing' and only what is substandard needs to be made better. I can imagine him daily, feeling a need to get 'better' and nurturing a sense of low self esteem with each passing day he stays acutely aware of the fact that he needs fixing. If this is as good as he gets, then i'm choosing today to be okay with that.
As my cousin, a beautiful doctor with a heart, said so clearly to me today- for BP, the best you can really do as a significant other is try and get relapses farther apart, reduce the intensity and damage during a relapse, and be there to accelerate recovery.
It totally freed me..to realise that i can't make him 'better', but that i can support him through relapses. I can't prevent rainstorms, but i can open umbrellas and prepare hot coco. That's the BEST i CAN do.
I have been living with guilt all these years that maybe if i had been more vigilant, more disciplined, more alert..maybe i could have circumvented some of his disastrous episodes; avoided the despair not to mention the financial damage. So that's what i have been like in the past years..ever vigilant, ever alert. I eventually progressed to living without fear of possible doom, but when he got diagnosed, i became obsessed instead on him getting better. But i have just pushed him away, pushed myself into a corner, made everyone a distant friend..because i have been living on a timeline hoping for a cure. Waiting for that breakthrough.. AND THEN i can finally LIVE.
But if this is as good as it gets.. then my waiting is over. I can start living RIGHT NOW. No more waiting means i can release the pressure on myself and on him to reach for 'better'. Better can just come if and when it's ready, and we can instead give our all to making life good as it is, with what we have right now..AS IS.
There will always be relapses around the corner. Like rainstorms, I need not feel bad when a relapse does become imminent, because it's not my lack of love or his lack of care that has caused it. If you live in the tropics, it WILL rain. No point dreading it, blaming it, or grumbling about it when a downpour does appear. But we CAN both try to minimise it affecting/damaging our lives and work at getting back on track as soon as possible. And for this, i also realise that it's okay for us to need special friends.. friends who realise along with us that relapses aren't a sign of failure, but a real fact of illness, and that we will need understanding/emotional support through such times and that we will possibly be less available in some/many ways until we are past the storm. Friends who know we have much to give, and who let us be our best..AS IS.
At least i now know..what to ask of myself, of him, and all the world.
And that means i can finally..freely live and love again :)
Friday, August 7, 2009
A Beautiful Life
I have just spent the last 20 minutes crying because i realise that he has never loved anyone the way he loves me. As damaging as he has been, he has loved me all he could.
It's odd but i have had to travel down this long painful, complicated road only to come back to where i started in life with him, except as a different person. I have been looking back lately, as an emancipated woman now, and wondering if i rushed into marriage for the wrong reasons, if i sold myself out.
But i can't imagine a more beautiful life than caring for and loving a man who genuinely needs me and on my deathbed knowing that i loved him the best i could against all odds..and that because of me, he had a LIFE, and a GOOD one..and my life would have been worth every breath i took loving him despite each and every setback ~
It's odd but i have had to travel down this long painful, complicated road only to come back to where i started in life with him, except as a different person. I have been looking back lately, as an emancipated woman now, and wondering if i rushed into marriage for the wrong reasons, if i sold myself out.
But i can't imagine a more beautiful life than caring for and loving a man who genuinely needs me and on my deathbed knowing that i loved him the best i could against all odds..and that because of me, he had a LIFE, and a GOOD one..and my life would have been worth every breath i took loving him despite each and every setback ~
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Soulmates
It was Synchronicity to me that Paulo Coelho posted the topic of Soulmates up for discussion as it has been the very question in my mind to the Universe this past week. Speaking out my feelings on his blog today really helped me get one step closer to my very important truth in my rather difficult relationship.
"My partner knew i was meant to be his when he was 10. I only fell in love with him at 15. We spent 8 years overcoming parental disapproval, cultural gaps and disapproval as he is of Chinese descent and i of Indian descent, distance, and our own continual personal struggles to finally go from falling in love to marriage.
It’s not actually been always easy, but there has always been an unexplainable attraction, a ‘fit’ and feeling of coming home when we are both in the NOW together. But that rarely happens as he has had bipolar disorder for many years now and for a decade it was undiagnosed which means i lived through many betrayals of trust and heartache at his unexplainable and even risky behaviour. But i could never leave..even at his worst, i saw that he needed me even when he couldn’t, and that i was his only lifeline through it. We have 3 little girls and at times, it has seemed that i have put them at risk staying on with him, but i know now that the force driving me to stay with him was more than just my own willpower and fear of being alone. It seemed the divine love of God itself was pushing me on even when the whole world couldn’t make sense of what was happening and on hindsight i know now that indeed, it was.
After diagnosis and ongoing medication, he is finally improving after 10 years of me wondering where he had gone and why the man i fell in love had “left” me. The heartache was excruciating..having someone you love right there next to you but so far away in their heart and love. But lately, i have had times with him again when time stood still and the Universe opened to me. My heart has been searching for many years the reason why our love seems destined to be a struggle to be together, for even though we are married..it is maybe a collective 2-3 weeks at the most in a year when we truly are in each other’s presence, when we ‘fit’. But it is those times that keep me fueled to stay on and keep up the fight for our dream of true love to come true.
Is he my soulmate? I have read now that soulmates are people we feel comfortable with and have an uncanny ability to connect with, a sense of unexplainable familiarity. As in Brida, there can be more than one. Lately, i have met many soulmates and in my case, they are all women. And it has been their friendship that has kept me strong and ‘topped up’ to love my husband better despite the pain he unconsciously causes me due to his illness. So soulmates definitely exist and are so important i feel for us to feel loved enough to grow and to dare to reach for that happiness that is attached to our true purpose of being.
But from my own experience i think now..soulmate is not THE ultimate one for a person, but definitely AN ultimate someone in your life. Sometimes it is even a mother, a father, a sister, a friend, or a stranger you meet on a cafe by the highway for just one evening of your life. Soulmates can be a masculine or feminine. But your TwinFlame will always be the opposite gender as it is the EXACT match to you..and the relationship will be a struggle unless both souls are evolved in the NOW equally.
So is my partner my soulmate? I wonder now if he is not..if he is in fact my TwinFlame. For the connection to him is strong, we are almost telepathic at times without trying, i KNOW when he has had a high-risk episode even when he is in another country and i will be the one who will contact him as he by then will be too wracked with guilt to reach out to me. And when he is present in the Now and well..for that small window in time whenever that happens - he KNOWS me to my core and i see in his eyes my entire purpose of being as if i am staring into the eyes of God himself..so deep is the knowing, and so complete is my soul."
I am still learning..life is about the journey is it not?
"My partner knew i was meant to be his when he was 10. I only fell in love with him at 15. We spent 8 years overcoming parental disapproval, cultural gaps and disapproval as he is of Chinese descent and i of Indian descent, distance, and our own continual personal struggles to finally go from falling in love to marriage.
It’s not actually been always easy, but there has always been an unexplainable attraction, a ‘fit’ and feeling of coming home when we are both in the NOW together. But that rarely happens as he has had bipolar disorder for many years now and for a decade it was undiagnosed which means i lived through many betrayals of trust and heartache at his unexplainable and even risky behaviour. But i could never leave..even at his worst, i saw that he needed me even when he couldn’t, and that i was his only lifeline through it. We have 3 little girls and at times, it has seemed that i have put them at risk staying on with him, but i know now that the force driving me to stay with him was more than just my own willpower and fear of being alone. It seemed the divine love of God itself was pushing me on even when the whole world couldn’t make sense of what was happening and on hindsight i know now that indeed, it was.
After diagnosis and ongoing medication, he is finally improving after 10 years of me wondering where he had gone and why the man i fell in love had “left” me. The heartache was excruciating..having someone you love right there next to you but so far away in their heart and love. But lately, i have had times with him again when time stood still and the Universe opened to me. My heart has been searching for many years the reason why our love seems destined to be a struggle to be together, for even though we are married..it is maybe a collective 2-3 weeks at the most in a year when we truly are in each other’s presence, when we ‘fit’. But it is those times that keep me fueled to stay on and keep up the fight for our dream of true love to come true.
Is he my soulmate? I have read now that soulmates are people we feel comfortable with and have an uncanny ability to connect with, a sense of unexplainable familiarity. As in Brida, there can be more than one. Lately, i have met many soulmates and in my case, they are all women. And it has been their friendship that has kept me strong and ‘topped up’ to love my husband better despite the pain he unconsciously causes me due to his illness. So soulmates definitely exist and are so important i feel for us to feel loved enough to grow and to dare to reach for that happiness that is attached to our true purpose of being.
But from my own experience i think now..soulmate is not THE ultimate one for a person, but definitely AN ultimate someone in your life. Sometimes it is even a mother, a father, a sister, a friend, or a stranger you meet on a cafe by the highway for just one evening of your life. Soulmates can be a masculine or feminine. But your TwinFlame will always be the opposite gender as it is the EXACT match to you..and the relationship will be a struggle unless both souls are evolved in the NOW equally.
So is my partner my soulmate? I wonder now if he is not..if he is in fact my TwinFlame. For the connection to him is strong, we are almost telepathic at times without trying, i KNOW when he has had a high-risk episode even when he is in another country and i will be the one who will contact him as he by then will be too wracked with guilt to reach out to me. And when he is present in the Now and well..for that small window in time whenever that happens - he KNOWS me to my core and i see in his eyes my entire purpose of being as if i am staring into the eyes of God himself..so deep is the knowing, and so complete is my soul."
I am still learning..life is about the journey is it not?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Going with the Flow
Sometimes when you've reached the end, you just need to LET GO. At some point, we realise that we really can't ever have control of anything and that life is a tune that plays regardless of our preference for the music. We just learn to stop trying to change the music, or staying off the dance floor in a sulk and start learning to dance instead. It's not giving in or giving up - it's accepting.
Accepting isn't defeat. It's wisely adjusting your sails according to the wind so you keep moving forward.
It's a self-loving thing to do..to ALLOW ourselves to seem weak and accept what we don't want. Truth is, it takes far more courage to let go and accept, and then to grow and flourish despite the setbacks..
I know how it feels to have been there so many times, crying out in my heart what the hell?? Why? But then i realise it's just me fighting to hang on to my own desired outcomes and avoid my fears coming true. And that's all i do each day..fight. I keep rowing against the current. But when i finally let go..i find myself being swept downriver rather easily and i just need to learn new ways of rowing.
I've found that instead of feeling that i should get everything right upfront to control outcomes, i can instead trust myself to be able to handle whatever happens. That way i just follow my heart and intuition, decide on the best at the given moment and never look back with regret, doubt, guilt or self-incrimination. Because I CAN. To hell with people's opinions, responses and reactions. If i am giving my best - that's that.
Accepting isn't defeat. It's wisely adjusting your sails according to the wind so you keep moving forward.
It's a self-loving thing to do..to ALLOW ourselves to seem weak and accept what we don't want. Truth is, it takes far more courage to let go and accept, and then to grow and flourish despite the setbacks..
I know how it feels to have been there so many times, crying out in my heart what the hell?? Why? But then i realise it's just me fighting to hang on to my own desired outcomes and avoid my fears coming true. And that's all i do each day..fight. I keep rowing against the current. But when i finally let go..i find myself being swept downriver rather easily and i just need to learn new ways of rowing.
I've found that instead of feeling that i should get everything right upfront to control outcomes, i can instead trust myself to be able to handle whatever happens. That way i just follow my heart and intuition, decide on the best at the given moment and never look back with regret, doubt, guilt or self-incrimination. Because I CAN. To hell with people's opinions, responses and reactions. If i am giving my best - that's that.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Honesty
I miss my girlfriends. I miss just being me.
It's hypomania season again and i've been so unavailable to all but my most necessary relationships, mainly my three girls and whoever i feel i must interact with daily. But i'm much stronger inside, a lot of pain has been dealt with and healed so i am a much better person and mom to my girls this time around through the season of single parenting.
When hypomania hits i become extremely bossy. In fact, i become an overwhelming control freak. Why wouldn't i? I get so scared of potential mess and possible pain. But mostly i just want my man back from whatever planet he's left me for, and my desire for control is my way of trying desperately to avoid the changes that seem to take him further and further away from me and his daughters.
But i can't.
And I think i am coming to a point of total honesty with myself, something that happened in the depression cycle and set me freer there. But it's now time to do the same kind of honest awakening in the hypomania cycle. It occurs to me now that the best way for me to avoid myself regressing when he changes is to separate both cycles into two significantly different lives with two completely different men. Like winter after summer. You need different clothes, tyres etc. It's not just in people's mind that they need to dress warmer.
And so, it's no longer just in my mind that i am living with a different man now than i was a month ago. I am giving myself permission to make all the necessary adjustments without feeling, as in previous times, that i have failed to love him enough to keep up with him and that he hasn't loved me enough to stay with me. I am also feeling less guilt about lapsing back into being a bossy control freak. I have not regressed as a person. I was merely caught off guard and coped the only way i knew best against change that threated the most important relationship to any girl - her love-life.
No, this time i am going to gain much ground by being completely honest with myself. Just like in depression, it's not my call to heal him or walk his road and bring him back. I can instead just love him and myself and my girls from my heart..and this time be honest about how much my heart can handle from day to day.
It's hypomania season again and i've been so unavailable to all but my most necessary relationships, mainly my three girls and whoever i feel i must interact with daily. But i'm much stronger inside, a lot of pain has been dealt with and healed so i am a much better person and mom to my girls this time around through the season of single parenting.
When hypomania hits i become extremely bossy. In fact, i become an overwhelming control freak. Why wouldn't i? I get so scared of potential mess and possible pain. But mostly i just want my man back from whatever planet he's left me for, and my desire for control is my way of trying desperately to avoid the changes that seem to take him further and further away from me and his daughters.
But i can't.
And I think i am coming to a point of total honesty with myself, something that happened in the depression cycle and set me freer there. But it's now time to do the same kind of honest awakening in the hypomania cycle. It occurs to me now that the best way for me to avoid myself regressing when he changes is to separate both cycles into two significantly different lives with two completely different men. Like winter after summer. You need different clothes, tyres etc. It's not just in people's mind that they need to dress warmer.
And so, it's no longer just in my mind that i am living with a different man now than i was a month ago. I am giving myself permission to make all the necessary adjustments without feeling, as in previous times, that i have failed to love him enough to keep up with him and that he hasn't loved me enough to stay with me. I am also feeling less guilt about lapsing back into being a bossy control freak. I have not regressed as a person. I was merely caught off guard and coped the only way i knew best against change that threated the most important relationship to any girl - her love-life.
No, this time i am going to gain much ground by being completely honest with myself. Just like in depression, it's not my call to heal him or walk his road and bring him back. I can instead just love him and myself and my girls from my heart..and this time be honest about how much my heart can handle from day to day.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sometimes There Are No Goodbyes
I keep listening to Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. It's Hindi for "Sometimes There Are No Goodbyes".
We promised each other that the second year we were in love. We were merely 16 but I think we both KNEW then that it was forever. From then on, we only ever said 'Bye' to each other when we needed to part. All these 18 years. But do you know what Bipolar Disorder involves? It involves saying 'goodbye' whenever there's a shift in the phase he is in because he changes colours and it takes a while for him to stabilise every time he does hit a shift in his mood. And i never know if he will come back. The man i love is in there somewhere in the tangle of his moods and unfocused mind. He loves me. And he cares for me like i am precious gold when he is well and able to function like the rest of us who take our ability to walk a straight mental line for granted. But i never know when and if i will see him again everytime he 'leaves'. After all, the last time he left, it took over 2 years for me to see him again.
My favourite phase has to be depression. (Let's not talk about normal - my partner rapid cycles so he is never there long.) That's when he slows down and is able to hear me in his head. That's when he is willing to be loved and affirmed and eventually responds to all the love we share. And it's the connection that i can establish during his depression cycle that finally enabled us to find a combination of both medication and lifestyle patterns that has worked to stabilise him during these phases, and we have been able to live some amazing days of our lives.
But not so the Hypomanic phase. 5 weeks ago my partner was finally looking after me like i could never have imagined and i knew the sweet taste of victory that years of faith and perseverance had made possible. But 3 weeks ago that changed as his mood cycle shifted. His racing brain took off from the runway and i was left watching his plane become a distant dot in the sky, while i was left behind still frantically trying to purchase my ticket at the airline counter. We haven't yet found the right combination of medication for this cycle, much less lifestyle patterns that are conducive to him stabilising as that is so closely tied to the right dosage of medication.
And so, here i am left at the airport terminal..awaiting my flight to catch up with the love of my life who once again, has run off ahead of me. How do you explain the loneliness of missing someone who is right there? Some people know how that feels once a relationship turns sour but what is hard to explain is the yo-yo feeling of this happening in a BP relationship especially without anything turning sour between the people involved. Every time he switches to the manic phase..i lose the connection to him. And then when he switches back to depression and stabilises, he can become the most sensitive affectionate man i know. It is THIS man that i grieve over..i hate to see him go. And every time he leaves, he never says goodbye. Maybe because he's keeping the promise we made at 16. Maybe because it isn't really a goodbye and he expects to be back.
But i don't think i have the same confidence. I only ever know it's not been goodbye when i see him come back. In fact, i realise now that this could very well be my greatest fear - that one of these days it will be a real goodbye.
It suddenly becomes clear why i keep wanting to listen to Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna - "Sometimes There Are No Goodbyes". I need to believe this to face down my greatest fear... and get to the other side. It's time i stopped being afraid of losing him when he hits Hypomania. Only then can i unleash the Power of Love that has the ability to conquer the dark side and bring him back to me, just like it did when i stopped being afraid of Depression.
We promised each other that the second year we were in love. We were merely 16 but I think we both KNEW then that it was forever. From then on, we only ever said 'Bye' to each other when we needed to part. All these 18 years. But do you know what Bipolar Disorder involves? It involves saying 'goodbye' whenever there's a shift in the phase he is in because he changes colours and it takes a while for him to stabilise every time he does hit a shift in his mood. And i never know if he will come back. The man i love is in there somewhere in the tangle of his moods and unfocused mind. He loves me. And he cares for me like i am precious gold when he is well and able to function like the rest of us who take our ability to walk a straight mental line for granted. But i never know when and if i will see him again everytime he 'leaves'. After all, the last time he left, it took over 2 years for me to see him again.
My favourite phase has to be depression. (Let's not talk about normal - my partner rapid cycles so he is never there long.) That's when he slows down and is able to hear me in his head. That's when he is willing to be loved and affirmed and eventually responds to all the love we share. And it's the connection that i can establish during his depression cycle that finally enabled us to find a combination of both medication and lifestyle patterns that has worked to stabilise him during these phases, and we have been able to live some amazing days of our lives.
But not so the Hypomanic phase. 5 weeks ago my partner was finally looking after me like i could never have imagined and i knew the sweet taste of victory that years of faith and perseverance had made possible. But 3 weeks ago that changed as his mood cycle shifted. His racing brain took off from the runway and i was left watching his plane become a distant dot in the sky, while i was left behind still frantically trying to purchase my ticket at the airline counter. We haven't yet found the right combination of medication for this cycle, much less lifestyle patterns that are conducive to him stabilising as that is so closely tied to the right dosage of medication.
And so, here i am left at the airport terminal..awaiting my flight to catch up with the love of my life who once again, has run off ahead of me. How do you explain the loneliness of missing someone who is right there? Some people know how that feels once a relationship turns sour but what is hard to explain is the yo-yo feeling of this happening in a BP relationship especially without anything turning sour between the people involved. Every time he switches to the manic phase..i lose the connection to him. And then when he switches back to depression and stabilises, he can become the most sensitive affectionate man i know. It is THIS man that i grieve over..i hate to see him go. And every time he leaves, he never says goodbye. Maybe because he's keeping the promise we made at 16. Maybe because it isn't really a goodbye and he expects to be back.
But i don't think i have the same confidence. I only ever know it's not been goodbye when i see him come back. In fact, i realise now that this could very well be my greatest fear - that one of these days it will be a real goodbye.
It suddenly becomes clear why i keep wanting to listen to Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna - "Sometimes There Are No Goodbyes". I need to believe this to face down my greatest fear... and get to the other side. It's time i stopped being afraid of losing him when he hits Hypomania. Only then can i unleash the Power of Love that has the ability to conquer the dark side and bring him back to me, just like it did when i stopped being afraid of Depression.
Friday, May 29, 2009
The Masculine Side
I want a God who will love me unconditionally. I want a God who will not judge me. I want a God who will accept my weaknesses and help me build on my strengths. I want a God who will let me rest. I want a God who will accompany me through scary moments. I want a God who will support me.
I want a father who will speak to me with love, not fear. I want a father who will tell me love stories. I want a father who will sing songs and laugh at jokes. I want a father who keeps his word. I want a father who respects my need for feminine expression. I want a father who won’t withdraw into a distant shell. I want a father who won’t threaten me with aggression. I want a father who will try to understand, and be proud of my choices.
I want a man who will want my children. I want a man who will love my children, protect them and play with them. I want a man my children can admire and respect. I want a man who wants to be with my children because he enjoys them. I want a man who can understand my children.
I want a God who won’t test my faith.
I want a father who I can go to for unconditional help.
I want a husband who won’t betray my trust.
I want strong loving arms to come and carry me. I want strong loving arms to rest in. I want strong loving arms to protect me. I want a strong loving heart to admire. I want a strong loving heart to respect. I want a strong loving heart to love me... and never let me go.
I want a father who will speak to me with love, not fear. I want a father who will tell me love stories. I want a father who will sing songs and laugh at jokes. I want a father who keeps his word. I want a father who respects my need for feminine expression. I want a father who won’t withdraw into a distant shell. I want a father who won’t threaten me with aggression. I want a father who will try to understand, and be proud of my choices.
I want a man who will want my children. I want a man who will love my children, protect them and play with them. I want a man my children can admire and respect. I want a man who wants to be with my children because he enjoys them. I want a man who can understand my children.
I want a God who won’t test my faith.
I want a father who I can go to for unconditional help.
I want a husband who won’t betray my trust.
I want strong loving arms to come and carry me. I want strong loving arms to rest in. I want strong loving arms to protect me. I want a strong loving heart to admire. I want a strong loving heart to respect. I want a strong loving heart to love me... and never let me go.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Hero Blues
I find myself struggling at times to remember what it feels like to be carefree. Mainly because i have lived with responsibility for so long now that i find myself unable to detach from a constant rod up my back even when i don't have to assume control and provide caregiving attention to those around me.
At some point in my life i became Superwoman. The role of caregiving in my life became who i am as a person. My job took over my life. I mixed business with pleasure. And now all i have left is my job ruling every part of my life. Ever see Clark Kent and think of him as Clark Kent? Or do you like me, see Superman merely in disguise? That's precisely the point i am making. I'm just Superwoman in disguise now.
I have begun to question the virtue of being strong these days. It's really not that rewarding on my weak days because i DO have them too. I wonder sometimes if instead of strength, i'd like to have the ability to become invisible. Shut off and shut it out. Become completely detached. Oh but wait, i had to summon that power as a child. I was often seen and not heard. After a while i became good at being unseen as well. After all, it was almost the same thing. So i think maybe not. It's not a healthy talent to develop while trying to establish more companionship and affirmation in my life.
So what superpower would i like to have? Somehow i don't think heroes have a choice what their specialties are. I have seen superheroes give up their powers, but not develop a completely different one. It's inborn, our gifts and abilities, so is it even possible for me to ever shut off my strength? I may end up feeling tortured about being untrue to myself.
So maybe the answer lies more in me finding a way to just be myself sans the requirement for my superpowers to be active at all times. Something that would help clearly distinguish me as a person from my superhero identity. I guess that's why some jobs require uniforms. Really just something you can literally remove and suddenly, the role is over. A soldier out of his uniform does not carry a gun. A doctor out of her coat does not lug a stethoscope about. Should some emergency require their skill, they can help. But they don't walk through life after uniform hours on constant alert that they will be unprepared should an enemy or a disease strike.
Yet i do. I have no after hours and i am constantly on alert should i be found wanting while on duty. And i have become fatigued from feeling that i need to constantly be on duty...to be constantly strong.
I guess that's my ongoing struggle with BP. Finding a way to feel safe enough to be carefreely just me.
At some point in my life i became Superwoman. The role of caregiving in my life became who i am as a person. My job took over my life. I mixed business with pleasure. And now all i have left is my job ruling every part of my life. Ever see Clark Kent and think of him as Clark Kent? Or do you like me, see Superman merely in disguise? That's precisely the point i am making. I'm just Superwoman in disguise now.
I have begun to question the virtue of being strong these days. It's really not that rewarding on my weak days because i DO have them too. I wonder sometimes if instead of strength, i'd like to have the ability to become invisible. Shut off and shut it out. Become completely detached. Oh but wait, i had to summon that power as a child. I was often seen and not heard. After a while i became good at being unseen as well. After all, it was almost the same thing. So i think maybe not. It's not a healthy talent to develop while trying to establish more companionship and affirmation in my life.
So what superpower would i like to have? Somehow i don't think heroes have a choice what their specialties are. I have seen superheroes give up their powers, but not develop a completely different one. It's inborn, our gifts and abilities, so is it even possible for me to ever shut off my strength? I may end up feeling tortured about being untrue to myself.
So maybe the answer lies more in me finding a way to just be myself sans the requirement for my superpowers to be active at all times. Something that would help clearly distinguish me as a person from my superhero identity. I guess that's why some jobs require uniforms. Really just something you can literally remove and suddenly, the role is over. A soldier out of his uniform does not carry a gun. A doctor out of her coat does not lug a stethoscope about. Should some emergency require their skill, they can help. But they don't walk through life after uniform hours on constant alert that they will be unprepared should an enemy or a disease strike.
Yet i do. I have no after hours and i am constantly on alert should i be found wanting while on duty. And i have become fatigued from feeling that i need to constantly be on duty...to be constantly strong.
I guess that's my ongoing struggle with BP. Finding a way to feel safe enough to be carefreely just me.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Acceptance
Living with a life changing illness does not rob us if we exchange the quality of one thing we value with another that works better now that change has come. It is the accepting that is the difficult dance step to learn. How much to accept, how much to fight? Or rather which to accept and which to fight?
Adapting to change isn't what's hard.
It's living through the experimenting and choosing which change we are best suited to that is the real climb.
Adapting to change isn't what's hard.
It's living through the experimenting and choosing which change we are best suited to that is the real climb.
Changing Seasons
It's a lot like the changing seasons.
Sometimes it's winter and i live on memories of what the flowers look like in spring and how much fun we had when we went camping in the summer. When i finally do realise it's winter and i can't change the weather, my acceptance means snow angels and roasted marshmallows by the fire. But it usually lasts a week because by the time i finally realise i can make winter work for us, it's spring.
I then find myself clearing out mush and preparing flowerbeds and planting seeds. In time there will be flowers but it's still, a lot of hard work to make sure we get a good harvest. If i am lucky, the scenery lasts for a long time and we don't get a frost or a rainstorm to ruin all my hard work in an unsuspecting flash. I can't help but resent these external forces that tamper with my hard work but again, acceptance usually accelerates healing.
Sometimes it's summer and we just have endless days of fun. These are my favourite times. I live for them. At times it seems that my whole life has been preparing me for these moments. All my hard work over 9 months for 3 months of pure amazing life lived to the fullest. But is 3 months too short compared to 9 months of labour and waiting? I try to live in the moment and in fact, find that selective memory works best. Or else i shorten even the mere 3 months and that leaves me cursing myself in bed at night when i realise what i have done. No, thank you.
Autumn days are when i cry a lot. I am tired from all the fun crammed into 3 months, on top of having worked all through the previous 9 months. So when winter rolls around i am usually quite ready for a quiet time of laying low and reconstructing myself. It's when i usually have my own nervous breakdowns and wonder whether i too, have acquired the same fate from mere association. But eventually the last leaf falls and i am done with my crying. And then i can be strong again. Resilient like the trees that look dead but are actually just asleep.
Know what though? Unlike the real seasons of life, the seasons of bipolar aren't as clear cut. The cycles change rapidly, interchange or stretch on..it's never a certainty what cycle or how long it will last. So i am always caught off guard.
Acceptance i find is a great friend of all seasons and can make each one a positive experience. But she is far easier mentioned than invited to stay, especially when fatigue from shouldering the daily responsibilities of life drains me and i become far more sense than sensibility.
My goal is to become an expert at recognising the signs of each season way before they hit. I'm going to work toward that with all my heart. I think it will help me gain acceptance faster so i can make these seasons work for us far more than against us.
Sometimes it's winter and i live on memories of what the flowers look like in spring and how much fun we had when we went camping in the summer. When i finally do realise it's winter and i can't change the weather, my acceptance means snow angels and roasted marshmallows by the fire. But it usually lasts a week because by the time i finally realise i can make winter work for us, it's spring.
I then find myself clearing out mush and preparing flowerbeds and planting seeds. In time there will be flowers but it's still, a lot of hard work to make sure we get a good harvest. If i am lucky, the scenery lasts for a long time and we don't get a frost or a rainstorm to ruin all my hard work in an unsuspecting flash. I can't help but resent these external forces that tamper with my hard work but again, acceptance usually accelerates healing.
Sometimes it's summer and we just have endless days of fun. These are my favourite times. I live for them. At times it seems that my whole life has been preparing me for these moments. All my hard work over 9 months for 3 months of pure amazing life lived to the fullest. But is 3 months too short compared to 9 months of labour and waiting? I try to live in the moment and in fact, find that selective memory works best. Or else i shorten even the mere 3 months and that leaves me cursing myself in bed at night when i realise what i have done. No, thank you.
Autumn days are when i cry a lot. I am tired from all the fun crammed into 3 months, on top of having worked all through the previous 9 months. So when winter rolls around i am usually quite ready for a quiet time of laying low and reconstructing myself. It's when i usually have my own nervous breakdowns and wonder whether i too, have acquired the same fate from mere association. But eventually the last leaf falls and i am done with my crying. And then i can be strong again. Resilient like the trees that look dead but are actually just asleep.
Know what though? Unlike the real seasons of life, the seasons of bipolar aren't as clear cut. The cycles change rapidly, interchange or stretch on..it's never a certainty what cycle or how long it will last. So i am always caught off guard.
Acceptance i find is a great friend of all seasons and can make each one a positive experience. But she is far easier mentioned than invited to stay, especially when fatigue from shouldering the daily responsibilities of life drains me and i become far more sense than sensibility.
My goal is to become an expert at recognising the signs of each season way before they hit. I'm going to work toward that with all my heart. I think it will help me gain acceptance faster so i can make these seasons work for us far more than against us.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
A Reciprocal Love
I have spent days doing laundry and cooking and mending relationships and being supportive and selfless and making the best of what I have.
But this is not the life I want.
I was willing to wait all this out for a chance at real love and my lifelong dreams. But I have had to make them happen like Cinderella, from the availables in my life.
I want my happy ever after.
And I am no longer content to daily transform scraps into beautiful items. I want to know the feeling of beholding a beautiufl item that's been made by another's loving hands just for me.
I want the glass slipper to fit and to be taken away to the castle.
But I don’t want someone who has to try and love me once i'm there. I want to experience being loved from the heart with affirming words, expressions and actions.
I want someone to dance with. Not someone to dance for.
And certainly no more silences and mere recollections and imagination to fuel the days without music.
I was born with the ability to love compassionately. Yet I am genuinely grateful that i have had to learn to stop being a martyr and instead, build my self esteem and self worth through the power of self love. Still, i want to be loved by another and experience the compassion of a reciprocal love.
How do i get my happy ever after where i can be sure of being loved unconditionally by someone who struggles just to like himself daily?
But this is not the life I want.
I was willing to wait all this out for a chance at real love and my lifelong dreams. But I have had to make them happen like Cinderella, from the availables in my life.
I want my happy ever after.
And I am no longer content to daily transform scraps into beautiful items. I want to know the feeling of beholding a beautiufl item that's been made by another's loving hands just for me.
I want the glass slipper to fit and to be taken away to the castle.
But I don’t want someone who has to try and love me once i'm there. I want to experience being loved from the heart with affirming words, expressions and actions.
I want someone to dance with. Not someone to dance for.
And certainly no more silences and mere recollections and imagination to fuel the days without music.
I was born with the ability to love compassionately. Yet I am genuinely grateful that i have had to learn to stop being a martyr and instead, build my self esteem and self worth through the power of self love. Still, i want to be loved by another and experience the compassion of a reciprocal love.
How do i get my happy ever after where i can be sure of being loved unconditionally by someone who struggles just to like himself daily?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
In the Beginning
In the beginning there was just a guy and a girl. We were both 15.
We were both young, hopeful and waiting to get away from our limitations into great expectations and even greater dreams.
We had to get over family objections - like Romeo and Juliet.
We had to get over youth - we were minors.
We had to get over distance - we were laying foundations for a future.
We had to get over interference - parents who needed caring instead of giving care.
By then the bipolar had kicked in.
Only we didn't know. And we didn't know for a decade.
We thought we had finally gotten over everything.
We had only begun getting over the biggest hurdle we could ever have imagined.
Bipolar Disorder.
It's been slowly seeing the one i love disappear before my very eyes, stage by stage into someone i have had to fight to believe still loves me despite all the massive destruction left in place of caring for me.
The statistics are that 90% of marriages with Bipolar Disorder end in divorce. Only a mere 10% remain intact.
I'm still here and i live to tell.
We were both young, hopeful and waiting to get away from our limitations into great expectations and even greater dreams.
We had to get over family objections - like Romeo and Juliet.
We had to get over youth - we were minors.
We had to get over distance - we were laying foundations for a future.
We had to get over interference - parents who needed caring instead of giving care.
By then the bipolar had kicked in.
Only we didn't know. And we didn't know for a decade.
We thought we had finally gotten over everything.
We had only begun getting over the biggest hurdle we could ever have imagined.
Bipolar Disorder.
It's been slowly seeing the one i love disappear before my very eyes, stage by stage into someone i have had to fight to believe still loves me despite all the massive destruction left in place of caring for me.
The statistics are that 90% of marriages with Bipolar Disorder end in divorce. Only a mere 10% remain intact.
I'm still here and i live to tell.
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