Surviving Loneliness

I found this poem today .. written almost a year ago now.

the desert of your love

you made me go down on my knees
and cry
by the time i got up
my heart lay in broken pieces on the floor
i stared at them
numb from the pain.. so i could keep on breathing

you didn't mean to hurt me
does anyone?
i who have no one to cry to
you wouldn't open your arms to and comfort
when i was a child

i know i am alone
thank you for reminding me
it is and remains so

15 jan 2012

I hardly share my sad feelings .. because i don't define my life as being sad. Yet, if i am to be authentic .. and stay true to the purpose of this blog which is to share the journey of loving above and beyond bipolar .. i would be hiding the truth if i don't share that a lot of that overcoming is the need to heal MYSELF as well. Because I do feel sad .. a lot. To feel everything's finally okay when it's a period of remission .. and then live through another episode of regression is heartbreaking to say the least.

Caring for a person who has bipolar is like taking care of a lion. You must never forget that it's a wild animal at heart .. and that its nature is that of a carnivour. But you can't help loving it .. you see its true beauty. Yet, it's not something you can cuddle often or at all .. and if you like cuddles, this can leave you depleted .. wondering why you aren't good enough for a cuddle. Because unlike a lion .. a person with bipolar looks just like you on the outside. And inevitably .. you want a cuddle. But that cuddle may never come .. or is sparse and far apart.

So you end up with a bruised heart and a battered self esteem. The perfect Recipe for Depression.

Loneliness isn't being alone .. it's having no one to share your heart with. And with a bipolar partner ... that can be a very painful reality. To be able to love someone so wrapped up in their own pain ..takes an enormous amount of self love and the support of significant others who can and will love you .. and allow you to share your heart.

That's the only way to live .. in the desert of love ~

Saying NO to Help

i'm tired of your scepticism
and factual left-brain

if you like to eat marshmallows
for breakfast
feel free to
.. i prefer a cup of daisies
toasted in sunshine
with dewdrop sauce

and if that seems odd to you
please .. oh please
don't ask me to explain

i'm dying soon
and i just don't have the time
to waste my words
on your need to be right ~

Often the most exhausting part of living with a challenge is the EXPLAINING that needs to be done. I can't even begin to express my frustration at having to speak to people who 'want to help' .. but have no clue about bipolar or mental health issues.

I've learnt to seek and receive help from professionals and people who DO have experience with mental and emotional health. Anyone else who means well but needs to be helped in order to be of help .. I need to say NO to. I just cannot afford to invest whatever energies I have left above and beyond care-giving into anyone else but myself.

As selfish as that sounds, it is a NEED and PRESCRIPTION as our therapist has wisely instructed me. If I allow myself to be depleted, I put all the lives in my care in danger as I will naturally not be able to care for them, if I myself were to break down emotionally and mentally. I get that, but it's hard for other people without bipolar or depression to really 'get it'. And thus I've also learnt to let go of some relationships because I now also see that those people who need to be helped so they can help .. aren't truly focused on giving to me as they are in giving to themselves by giving to me. In short, they are fulfilling their own needs FIRST in coming to my assistance .. fulfilling their personal sense of duty or self actualisation, as opposed to offering a relevant expertise or affirmation as an expression of unconditional love.

To give from unconditional love is to recognise that there may not be a payback, a mutual benefit or deserved support. It is an act of help given to a person in need, at their low point. And being ravaged by the consequences of bipolar and depression, and passive aggression .. is indeed an extremely low point.

So, i've learnt to stick to those who understand what it is to walk in my shoes and can offer unconditional love .. because anyone else is just going to get exhausted in the long haul and then, i'm going to feel a need to help them cope with the ravages of bipolar and depression as well. After more than a decade, i can truly say Enough is Enough. I'm working hard to contain the casualties .. not increase them. And if there are people who don't get that.. it's good to know upfront who they are. This journey with BP is long .. and rough. And I need all the inner resources I can muster up .. to see it through.

So if you've felt rejected even though you tried to help, understand that it's not about you. When there's mental health issues, you will ALWAYS be at the raw end of the deal. ACCEPT IT AND DEAL WITH IT. That's part of being the help.

And if you are the one exhausted yet needing help, it IS available .. just learn to be brave and take it only from those stronger than you .. who already have a good heads up on what actually living with bipolar and depression is like from the inside out.

As caregivers, it's okay to say NO to others .. when it means saying an important YES to ourselves ~ ❤

Mirrors

Relationships are mirrors.

So we always end up in intimate relationships with people who are secretly carrying the clearest mirror this world has ... of ourselves.

And i have survived and grown past all other reflections ... until i met THIS one.
I am afraid of being close to people. REALLY close. Because i always end up making people feel uncomfortable with my romantic heart.

I love all the sentimental things in life. I love hugs. I love warm cosy fires and people cuddling close for a hot mug of coco. A guitar playing and everyone singing together. I love long walks where it's quiet .. and all you do is smile and hold each other's hands and pick up shells, and then go home and craft it or sketch it. Or take photographs and make them into pretty sketchbook memories. THIS makes me SO HAPPY.

But most people in my life don't seem to enjoy what i do ... unless it's ONE small dose in between lots of eating, drinking and fun loud games. I'm not sporty. I'm not sassy. And i'm definitely not very social as far as parties of more than 8 people go. And the things that i do and like are relatively low-key to most.

I'm on the verge of giving up. I think it's really just a matter of WHAT i am going to give up.
It's either the people in my life ... or my preference for the romance.
Unfortunately .. i'm so angry and frustrated .. i think i'm giving up BOTH.

I have tried .. oh how i have tried SO HARD .. to be more like the other people in my life .. but i just end up so angry at myself and miserable inside .. for giving up who i really am just to have friends and be loved. And when i finally walked away ... because the pain of having my heart be untrue to itself was greater than the pain of loneliness ... i ended up being angry at the romance i do love .. for having such a claim on me that this severance has come to pass.

If life wants me to be a romantic .. then why the hey has it put me amongst people who don't relate?
And most of all .. in an intimate relationship that makes me feel that all i am is robbing them of life?
What is this mirror trying to tell me?

Why does it keep throwing me people who don't cherish the romance i do and all i end up is making them feel uncomfortable and breaking my own heart in the process as i have to walk away? 

Relationships are mirrors.
Maybe i'm at a funfair ... and so the mirrors are all meant to be distorted and i'm not seeing who i really am in any of them. But i don't know this.

Maybe it's time to leave the funfair .. now that i do know.

After all .. i've never like the circus or funfairs since i was a little girl .. they creep me out with all the costumes and over-the-top displays .. i have an eerie feeling of wondering who's real and who's not.

So where ARE all the real mirrors? I guess at least now I know to look for them ..

Relationships are mirrors.
It's time to find some mirrors that better reflect the nicer sides of me so i can learn to love again .. without fear of hurting anyone, and my own heart.

Killing Me Softly

They won't decide. So you have to.
And that way ... they never have to say it when it goes wrong .. but it will always be understood that it's your own fault it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. And their defence against your disappointment ... is to remove themselves altogether from participating.

And i guess that makes complete sense.

Except ... it means you are always ALONE.

Because you live with people who are constantly guarding their own keep .. against the world, including against you. And after years of that .. you realise, that you are nobody's baby. I'm certainly not his even though he says he loves me.

Because he isn't about to love me unless he can do it at a safe distance.
And i stay ... because by now i'm convinced that NOBODY will EVER love me any differently.

Not when this is how it was when i was a child .. and still is even after giving my all in love in a committed partnership.

I look in the mirror and i no longer see a beautiful girl.

I see a person who isn't worth anybody's commitment in any way.

Somehow, i have to love myself through this. 

Once Upon A Time ...

It's still a hard road. And I don't know where it's going.
Mainly because we've both changed so much.
I'd like to think it's the Bipolar. But I've come to realise, it isn't.
In a weird sort of way, the Bipolar helped me love him better. But un-hitching it, I am left to confront the truth - that we are growing in different directions as the years pass by.

I do know this much though - Love DOES last forever.
Because the Love we HAVE shared .. cannot be erased. It has happened and so it will always remain a part of the world's history.
And I take comfort in that truth.
Because then - we aren't holding on just because we have to cling to a past memory to make today meaningful. No, today has it's own beautiful meanings.
And that may mean walking down parallel roads that may never meet again here on.
I honestly don't know.
But i do know this much - Love DOES last forever.
Because the Love we HAVE shared .. cannot be erased. It has happened and so it will always remain a part of the world's history.
And I take comfort in that truth.
And i can move on.

I know I have given my best, with all my heart. 

A Lover's Embrace

It's my last post ... it's been such a journey.

The past few months have been absolutely the hardest .. i finally let go. I became detached. I was above being hurt. And then .. i realised i COULD NOT FEEL MY HEART anymore in the one part i loved so much as a little girl ..  Loving the Prince and being loved by the Prince. How could i deny the romantic in me?

And so ... i started a journey to climb back up from this detached pit i had dug myself. So many around me seemed to be living it well, but i just couldn't. I knew i would regret it on my deathbed .. and so the pain of holding back finally overcame the pain of risking it all .. in the name of love.. all over again.

I have cried more tears than i can recall ... so much those tears have watered a tree .. and helped it grow. It is a Tree of Love. And like all trees ... a seed had to die, winds broke some branches ... and some leaves died. Every flower certainly died. But how beautiful they were when they were blooming.

I find now that perhaps my greatest challenge lies in living FEARLESS. I seem to have developed an uncanny ability to weather all storms once they arrive ... but i still haven't mastered the art of calmly ANTICIPATING one.

And that is the greatest hurdle of all ... the wall over where the branches of this tree is trying to grow.

And i realise, it's really a struggle not born of merely BP ... but the struggle of a girl's heart to embrace and thrive despite changes in a relationship. It is the masculine-feminine dance.

I have learned that many triggers are based on my own feminine fears and needs. A need to feel secure and cherished. A need to be SEEN. A need to be free .. to just be a girl. Living with BP has certainly pushed that need to the fore ... so many responsibilities can tie me down that inside, grew a great awareness of a need to just be .. ME.

And i have come far enough on this journey to see .. i've had enough drama to last a lifetime. All i want now, is to LOVE without having to go through an emotional hurricane to feel ... to LOVE without fear of having my heart frozen by an early winter  .. and to most of all, not blame the BP, my lover  ... or myself. I live where there are natural disasters .. and that's that.

Somehow Love sustains us all, despite casualties and damage ..

So i won't stop believing in Love ..and i will just keep on living it.

If i have learned one thing through all the tears and injuries and getting back on my feet again ..

it's this: Love ... always finds a way.

As a Lover .. i embrace this.
Because i AM a Lover ... and i have embraced THIS ~ 

Here on .. i am moving to A Lover's Embrace. It's taking my love on this journey .. to a whole other level. After years of loving through the madness, i see the man i once loved spending less and less time 'away' .. and i have learned much of keeping a love alive despite all the setbacks that can come in between. I amtravelling onwards with hope and far more .. with LOVE .. for me. This love in me .. is what will keep me strong. I have learned that a love story doesn't complete us ... it just brings out all that is already in us.  So the more i embrace me .. and him ... just as we are ... the better will be this journey.

Wishing you LOVE and LIGHT ~

Rest

Sometimes i can't think

i can't feel

i can't even breathe right

I need to rest

Pause, put on hold, take a break.

Even if it's from living the life i want

(this was originally written many months back ..but i was so tired when i wrote it, so weary at heart .. i didn't realise that i hadn't actually posted it.. i think to be true to myself, it needs to appear here ..and so it has ..better late than never)

using my hands instead of my feet..to finish the race

My life now is ..truly living with full acceptance of BP. Our life is now focused on how to not just cope but gain a full life despite its existence. Not easy but i just breathe..and love and love and love. I cry, I pick myself up. I hug them all, i apologise when it gets to me. Somehow..i want us to be like those athletes in the paralympics..winning gold medals even though they have no feet. They use their hands to push those wheelchairs to victory. That's us...

Moving On..

I have spent days doing laundry and cooking and mending relationships and being supportive and selfless and making the best of what I have.

But this is not the life I want.
I was willing to wait all this out for a chance at real love and my lifelong dreams. But I have had to make them happen like Cinderella, from the availables in my life.

I want my happy ever after.
And I am no longer content to daily transform scraps into beautiful items. I want to know the feeling of beholding a beautiufl item that's been made by another's loving hands just for me.

I want the glass slipper to fit and to be taken away to the castle.
But I don’t want someone who has to try and love me once i'm there. I want to experience being loved from the heart with affirming words, expressions and actions.

I want someone to dance with. Not someone to dance for.
And certainly no more silences and mere recollections and imagination to fuel the days without music.

I was born with the ability to love compassionately. Yet I am genuinely grateful that i have had to learn to stop being a martyr and instead, build my self esteem and self worth through the power of self love. Still, i want to be loved by another and experience the compassion of a reciprocal love.

How do i get my happy ever after where i can be sure of being loved unconditionally by someone who struggles just to like himself daily?

Love Needs No Reason

I love you. When i first fell in love with you, I didn't have ... A REASON. My heart just beat faster around you, my heart filled with helium and felt lighter, freer. The whole world seemed filled with possibility. Why was that? Why was ur filled with so much possibility? I see no wthat i thought we could do more together than living separate lives. Synergy.
Do we have more now? YES. Our kids. Our family. That's the more we have and that's IT.

What more do we have? What more could we have. What more is there?

These are the questions that have undone me. But the truth is, Love needs no reason. It just IS. I love you because it feels right. Because i am only able to lose myself, my sense of all reason and logical control with you. ONLY YOU. Which means that when i am with you, i come completely undone from all the rigid structures in me. All the rules, all the patterns of accepted conduct and accepted ways. I just am completely driven by my longing to be accepted AS I AM. Driven by a need to be connected. To hear the words "I love you" and know you feel the same un-doneness with me. To lose myself in that feeling.

It mattered not when i first fell in love with what you were good at or what you were not. IT DIDN'T. I just wanted to be near you.
Why has that changed? Only because we have responsibilities towards other people now. When we first feel in love, that love was so consuming we didn't care who else mattered. But then we grew accustomed to being together, as we learned to manage those feelings we had for each other.. and as we gained reason once more, REASON TOOK OVER. Suddenly other people began to matter, and especially our children.

Our children. The extra we wanted to have out of life. When i first fell in love with you, having your child was a gift. For both of us. Now, it is a responsibility. A part of life that is part of everyone's life. Not just ours. And so, the gift lost its value.
They feel it. We feel it. But it's only because.. I have forgotten what i felt like when i first fell in love with you. Reason took over my heart.

I don't know why i love a man who has bipolar. I don't know how i stay on with him because it involves coping and overcoming issues with addiction, it means fighting to keep my strong family values and sometimes single-handedly keeping the family steady, it means accepting that he sometimes has limited or no control over his excessive passions, and that he can become aloof and rebellious towards life which can be downright inconvenient or even damaging at times. I don't. It doesn't make sense and i can see so clearly how i could end up miserable sharing living space and joined decision making with this man. But that is NOT why i first fell in love with him. Not me. I didn't rationally evaluate how life with him would be like BEFORE deciding that i would share life with him. No. When i met him, my heart took wings and all else in my life has been to make that flight continue on. Except that fight actually doesn't need anything to do with effort or reason to continue on.

Irresponsible, unsteady, bad boy...bipolar. Labels the world attaches to a man i feel happy with. Labels that make me feel a coward to love him freely... because i know it makes me end up being judged as foolish and wanting. The one great fear i have - being labelled a fool. And i have allowed it to rob me of the very wings i gained when i i first fell in love. Back when he didn't need to be successful, responsible, wise, mature, stable, a 'good' father. Back when he was just a boy, and all that moved my heart was the way i felt so right near him. Just being near him. It occurs to me now that's all i have ever wanted. To be near him, to feel right, to feel happy in my heart.. as if i am 'home'. That feeling i have never found anywhere else in life, and is the reason i am still with him.

Label me foolish. But i think i am logical enough to realise that all things we want in life come with a price tag. Something of value needs to be exchanged in order to gain what we treasure. And some things cost more than others. In my case, i am willing to pay a very high price to feel what i have never been able to feel anywhere else with anyone else. Now, if i can afford it, why does it matter to anyone else what i obtain? It is merely their judgement of what they would be willing to pay. But they are not me and so they never will be able to fathom my willingness to pay. Cost and value are NOT the same thing. And so by that reasoning, i can reason away reason itself and.. follow my heart.

And my heart wants him. If he will have me. Only me.

If it's only me he will share himself with, then that's all i want. Irresponsible, unsteady, bipolar, bad boy. Labels i will accept. Judge me foolish, i don't care. Cost and value are two different things. I have found my treasure, where my heart finds its wings. Where i grow and evolve the MOST in life. Where i become the true metal i was meant to be. Judge me to be lacking in all else, but what you fail to see is that i have what i most want - what gives my heart power to defeat the fears and limitations of my mind. For when i love him, i defy all reason and logic.. especially for myself. I am left completely helpless and undone, simply BEing a little girl who feels happy because she has that which her heart most needs to stay beating strong and true.