I keep listening to Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. It's Hindi for "Sometimes There Are No Goodbyes".
We promised each other that the second year we were in love. We were merely 16 but I think we both KNEW then that it was forever. From then on, we only ever said 'Bye' to each other when we needed to part. All these 18 years. But do you know what Bipolar Disorder involves? It involves saying 'goodbye' whenever there's a shift in the phase he is in because he changes colours and it takes a while for him to stabilise every time he does hit a shift in his mood. And i never know if he will come back. The man i love is in there somewhere in the tangle of his moods and unfocused mind. He loves me. And he cares for me like i am precious gold when he is well and able to function like the rest of us who take our ability to walk a straight mental line for granted. But i never know when and if i will see him again everytime he 'leaves'. After all, the last time he left, it took over 2 years for me to see him again.
My favourite phase has to be depression. (Let's not talk about normal - my partner rapid cycles so he is never there long.) That's when he slows down and is able to hear me in his head. That's when he is willing to be loved and affirmed and eventually responds to all the love we share. And it's the connection that i can establish during his depression cycle that finally enabled us to find a combination of both medication and lifestyle patterns that has worked to stabilise him during these phases, and we have been able to live some amazing days of our lives.
But not so the Hypomanic phase. 5 weeks ago my partner was finally looking after me like i could never have imagined and i knew the sweet taste of victory that years of faith and perseverance had made possible. But 3 weeks ago that changed as his mood cycle shifted. His racing brain took off from the runway and i was left watching his plane become a distant dot in the sky, while i was left behind still frantically trying to purchase my ticket at the airline counter. We haven't yet found the right combination of medication for this cycle, much less lifestyle patterns that are conducive to him stabilising as that is so closely tied to the right dosage of medication.
And so, here i am left at the airport terminal..awaiting my flight to catch up with the love of my life who once again, has run off ahead of me. How do you explain the loneliness of missing someone who is right there? Some people know how that feels once a relationship turns sour but what is hard to explain is the yo-yo feeling of this happening in a BP relationship especially without anything turning sour between the people involved. Every time he switches to the manic phase..i lose the connection to him. And then when he switches back to depression and stabilises, he can become the most sensitive affectionate man i know. It is THIS man that i grieve over..i hate to see him go. And every time he leaves, he never says goodbye. Maybe because he's keeping the promise we made at 16. Maybe because it isn't really a goodbye and he expects to be back.
But i don't think i have the same confidence. I only ever know it's not been goodbye when i see him come back. In fact, i realise now that this could very well be my greatest fear - that one of these days it will be a real goodbye.
It suddenly becomes clear why i keep wanting to listen to Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna - "Sometimes There Are No Goodbyes". I need to believe this to face down my greatest fear... and get to the other side. It's time i stopped being afraid of losing him when he hits Hypomania. Only then can i unleash the Power of Love that has the ability to conquer the dark side and bring him back to me, just like it did when i stopped being afraid of Depression.
