I love you. When i first fell in love with you, I didn't have ... A REASON. My heart just beat faster around you, my heart filled with helium and felt lighter, freer. The whole world seemed filled with possibility. Why was that? Why was ur filled with so much possibility? I see no wthat i thought we could do more together than living separate lives. Synergy.
Do we have more now? YES. Our kids. Our family. That's the more we have and that's IT.
What more do we have? What more could we have. What more is there?
These are the questions that have undone me. But the truth is, Love needs no reason. It just IS. I love you because it feels right. Because i am only able to lose myself, my sense of all reason and logical control with you. ONLY YOU. Which means that when i am with you, i come completely undone from all the rigid structures in me. All the rules, all the patterns of accepted conduct and accepted ways. I just am completely driven by my longing to be accepted AS I AM. Driven by a need to be connected. To hear the words "I love you" and know you feel the same un-doneness with me. To lose myself in that feeling.
It mattered not when i first fell in love with what you were good at or what you were not. IT DIDN'T. I just wanted to be near you.
Why has that changed? Only because we have responsibilities towards other people now. When we first feel in love, that love was so consuming we didn't care who else mattered. But then we grew accustomed to being together, as we learned to manage those feelings we had for each other.. and as we gained reason once more, REASON TOOK OVER. Suddenly other people began to matter, and especially our children.
Our children. The extra we wanted to have out of life. When i first fell in love with you, having your child was a gift. For both of us. Now, it is a responsibility. A part of life that is part of everyone's life. Not just ours. And so, the gift lost its value.
They feel it. We feel it. But it's only because.. I have forgotten what i felt like when i first fell in love with you. Reason took over my heart.
I don't know why i love a man who has bipolar. I don't know how i stay on with him because it involves coping and overcoming issues with addiction, it means fighting to keep my strong family values and sometimes single-handedly keeping the family steady, it means accepting that he sometimes has limited or no control over his excessive passions, and that he can become aloof and rebellious towards life which can be downright inconvenient or even damaging at times. I don't. It doesn't make sense and i can see so clearly how i could end up miserable sharing living space and joined decision making with this man. But that is NOT why i first fell in love with him. Not me. I didn't rationally evaluate how life with him would be like BEFORE deciding that i would share life with him. No. When i met him, my heart took wings and all else in my life has been to make that flight continue on. Except that fight actually doesn't need anything to do with effort or reason to continue on.
Irresponsible, unsteady, bad boy...bipolar. Labels the world attaches to a man i feel happy with. Labels that make me feel a coward to love him freely... because i know it makes me end up being judged as foolish and wanting. The one great fear i have - being labelled a fool. And i have allowed it to rob me of the very wings i gained when i i first fell in love. Back when he didn't need to be successful, responsible, wise, mature, stable, a 'good' father. Back when he was just a boy, and all that moved my heart was the way i felt so right near him. Just being near him. It occurs to me now that's all i have ever wanted. To be near him, to feel right, to feel happy in my heart.. as if i am 'home'. That feeling i have never found anywhere else in life, and is the reason i am still with him.
Label me foolish. But i think i am logical enough to realise that all things we want in life come with a price tag. Something of value needs to be exchanged in order to gain what we treasure. And some things cost more than others. In my case, i am willing to pay a very high price to feel what i have never been able to feel anywhere else with anyone else. Now, if i can afford it, why does it matter to anyone else what i obtain? It is merely their judgement of what they would be willing to pay. But they are not me and so they never will be able to fathom my willingness to pay. Cost and value are NOT the same thing. And so by that reasoning, i can reason away reason itself and.. follow my heart.
And my heart wants him. If he will have me. Only me.
If it's only me he will share himself with, then that's all i want. Irresponsible, unsteady, bipolar, bad boy. Labels i will accept. Judge me foolish, i don't care. Cost and value are two different things. I have found my treasure, where my heart finds its wings. Where i grow and evolve the MOST in life. Where i become the true metal i was meant to be. Judge me to be lacking in all else, but what you fail to see is that i have what i most want - what gives my heart power to defeat the fears and limitations of my mind. For when i love him, i defy all reason and logic.. especially for myself. I am left completely helpless and undone, simply BEing a little girl who feels happy because she has that which her heart most needs to stay beating strong and true.
