A Lover's Embrace

It's my last post ... it's been such a journey.

The past few months have been absolutely the hardest .. i finally let go. I became detached. I was above being hurt. And then .. i realised i COULD NOT FEEL MY HEART anymore in the one part i loved so much as a little girl ..  Loving the Prince and being loved by the Prince. How could i deny the romantic in me?

And so ... i started a journey to climb back up from this detached pit i had dug myself. So many around me seemed to be living it well, but i just couldn't. I knew i would regret it on my deathbed .. and so the pain of holding back finally overcame the pain of risking it all .. in the name of love.. all over again.

I have cried more tears than i can recall ... so much those tears have watered a tree .. and helped it grow. It is a Tree of Love. And like all trees ... a seed had to die, winds broke some branches ... and some leaves died. Every flower certainly died. But how beautiful they were when they were blooming.

I find now that perhaps my greatest challenge lies in living FEARLESS. I seem to have developed an uncanny ability to weather all storms once they arrive ... but i still haven't mastered the art of calmly ANTICIPATING one.

And that is the greatest hurdle of all ... the wall over where the branches of this tree is trying to grow.

And i realise, it's really a struggle not born of merely BP ... but the struggle of a girl's heart to embrace and thrive despite changes in a relationship. It is the masculine-feminine dance.

I have learned that many triggers are based on my own feminine fears and needs. A need to feel secure and cherished. A need to be SEEN. A need to be free .. to just be a girl. Living with BP has certainly pushed that need to the fore ... so many responsibilities can tie me down that inside, grew a great awareness of a need to just be .. ME.

And i have come far enough on this journey to see .. i've had enough drama to last a lifetime. All i want now, is to LOVE without having to go through an emotional hurricane to feel ... to LOVE without fear of having my heart frozen by an early winter  .. and to most of all, not blame the BP, my lover  ... or myself. I live where there are natural disasters .. and that's that.

Somehow Love sustains us all, despite casualties and damage ..

So i won't stop believing in Love ..and i will just keep on living it.

If i have learned one thing through all the tears and injuries and getting back on my feet again ..

it's this: Love ... always finds a way.

As a Lover .. i embrace this.
Because i AM a Lover ... and i have embraced THIS ~ 

Here on .. i am moving to A Lover's Embrace. It's taking my love on this journey .. to a whole other level. After years of loving through the madness, i see the man i once loved spending less and less time 'away' .. and i have learned much of keeping a love alive despite all the setbacks that can come in between. I amtravelling onwards with hope and far more .. with LOVE .. for me. This love in me .. is what will keep me strong. I have learned that a love story doesn't complete us ... it just brings out all that is already in us.  So the more i embrace me .. and him ... just as we are ... the better will be this journey.

Wishing you LOVE and LIGHT ~

Soulmates

It was Synchronicity to me that Paulo Coelho posted the topic of Soulmates up for discussion as it has been the very question in my mind to the Universe this past week. Speaking out my feelings on his blog today really helped me get one step closer to my very important truth in my rather difficult relationship.

"My partner knew i was meant to be his when he was 10. I only fell in love with him at 15. We spent 8 years overcoming parental disapproval, cultural gaps and disapproval as he is of Chinese descent and i of Indian descent, distance, and our own continual personal struggles to finally go from falling in love to marriage.

It’s not actually been always easy, but there has always been an unexplainable attraction, a ‘fit’ and feeling of coming home when we are both in the NOW together. But that rarely happens as he has had bipolar disorder for many years now and for a decade it was undiagnosed which means i lived through many betrayals of trust and heartache at his unexplainable and even risky behaviour. But i could never leave..even at his worst, i saw that he needed me even when he couldn’t, and that i was his only lifeline through it. We have 3 little girls and at times, it has seemed that i have put them at risk staying on with him, but i know now that the force driving me to stay with him was more than just my own willpower and fear of being alone. It seemed the divine love of God itself was pushing me on even when the whole world couldn’t make sense of what was happening and on hindsight i know now that indeed, it was.

After diagnosis and ongoing medication, he is finally improving after 10 years of me wondering where he had gone and why the man i fell in love had “left” me. The heartache was excruciating..having someone you love right there next to you but so far away in their heart and love. But lately, i have had times with him again when time stood still and the Universe opened to me. My heart has been searching for many years the reason why our love seems destined to be a struggle to be together, for even though we are married..it is maybe a collective 2-3 weeks at the most in a year when we truly are in each other’s presence, when we ‘fit’. But it is those times that keep me fueled to stay on and keep up the fight for our dream of true love to come true.

Is he my soulmate? I have read now that soulmates are people we feel comfortable with and have an uncanny ability to connect with, a sense of unexplainable familiarity. As in Brida, there can be more than one. Lately, i have met many soulmates and in my case, they are all women. And it has been their friendship that has kept me strong and ‘topped up’ to love my husband better despite the pain he unconsciously causes me due to his illness. So soulmates definitely exist and are so important i feel for us to feel loved enough to grow and to dare to reach for that happiness that is attached to our true purpose of being.

But from my own experience i think now..soulmate is not THE ultimate one for a person, but definitely AN ultimate someone in your life. Sometimes it is even a mother, a father, a sister, a friend, or a stranger you meet on a cafe by the highway for just one evening of your life. Soulmates can be a masculine or feminine. But your TwinFlame will always be the opposite gender as it is the EXACT match to you..and the relationship will be a struggle unless both souls are evolved in the NOW equally.

So is my partner my soulmate? I wonder now if he is not..if he is in fact my TwinFlame. For the connection to him is strong, we are almost telepathic at times without trying, i KNOW when he has had a high-risk episode even when he is in another country and i will be the one who will contact him as he by then will be too wracked with guilt to reach out to me. And when he is present in the Now and well..for that small window in time whenever that happens - he KNOWS me to my core and i see in his eyes my entire purpose of being as if i am staring into the eyes of God himself..so deep is the knowing, and so complete is my soul."

I am still learning..life is about the journey is it not?