Soulmates

It was Synchronicity to me that Paulo Coelho posted the topic of Soulmates up for discussion as it has been the very question in my mind to the Universe this past week. Speaking out my feelings on his blog today really helped me get one step closer to my very important truth in my rather difficult relationship.

"My partner knew i was meant to be his when he was 10. I only fell in love with him at 15. We spent 8 years overcoming parental disapproval, cultural gaps and disapproval as he is of Chinese descent and i of Indian descent, distance, and our own continual personal struggles to finally go from falling in love to marriage.

It’s not actually been always easy, but there has always been an unexplainable attraction, a ‘fit’ and feeling of coming home when we are both in the NOW together. But that rarely happens as he has had bipolar disorder for many years now and for a decade it was undiagnosed which means i lived through many betrayals of trust and heartache at his unexplainable and even risky behaviour. But i could never leave..even at his worst, i saw that he needed me even when he couldn’t, and that i was his only lifeline through it. We have 3 little girls and at times, it has seemed that i have put them at risk staying on with him, but i know now that the force driving me to stay with him was more than just my own willpower and fear of being alone. It seemed the divine love of God itself was pushing me on even when the whole world couldn’t make sense of what was happening and on hindsight i know now that indeed, it was.

After diagnosis and ongoing medication, he is finally improving after 10 years of me wondering where he had gone and why the man i fell in love had “left” me. The heartache was excruciating..having someone you love right there next to you but so far away in their heart and love. But lately, i have had times with him again when time stood still and the Universe opened to me. My heart has been searching for many years the reason why our love seems destined to be a struggle to be together, for even though we are married..it is maybe a collective 2-3 weeks at the most in a year when we truly are in each other’s presence, when we ‘fit’. But it is those times that keep me fueled to stay on and keep up the fight for our dream of true love to come true.

Is he my soulmate? I have read now that soulmates are people we feel comfortable with and have an uncanny ability to connect with, a sense of unexplainable familiarity. As in Brida, there can be more than one. Lately, i have met many soulmates and in my case, they are all women. And it has been their friendship that has kept me strong and ‘topped up’ to love my husband better despite the pain he unconsciously causes me due to his illness. So soulmates definitely exist and are so important i feel for us to feel loved enough to grow and to dare to reach for that happiness that is attached to our true purpose of being.

But from my own experience i think now..soulmate is not THE ultimate one for a person, but definitely AN ultimate someone in your life. Sometimes it is even a mother, a father, a sister, a friend, or a stranger you meet on a cafe by the highway for just one evening of your life. Soulmates can be a masculine or feminine. But your TwinFlame will always be the opposite gender as it is the EXACT match to you..and the relationship will be a struggle unless both souls are evolved in the NOW equally.

So is my partner my soulmate? I wonder now if he is not..if he is in fact my TwinFlame. For the connection to him is strong, we are almost telepathic at times without trying, i KNOW when he has had a high-risk episode even when he is in another country and i will be the one who will contact him as he by then will be too wracked with guilt to reach out to me. And when he is present in the Now and well..for that small window in time whenever that happens - he KNOWS me to my core and i see in his eyes my entire purpose of being as if i am staring into the eyes of God himself..so deep is the knowing, and so complete is my soul."

I am still learning..life is about the journey is it not?

Going with the Flow

Sometimes when you've reached the end, you just need to LET GO. At some point, we realise that we really can't ever have control of anything and that life is a tune that plays regardless of our preference for the music. We just learn to stop trying to change the music, or staying off the dance floor in a sulk and start learning to dance instead. It's not giving in or giving up - it's accepting.

Accepting isn't defeat. It's wisely adjusting your sails according to the wind so you keep moving forward.
It's a self-loving thing to do..to ALLOW ourselves to seem weak and accept what we don't want. Truth is, it takes far more courage to let go and accept, and then to grow and flourish despite the setbacks..

I know how it feels to have been there so many times, crying out in my heart what the hell?? Why? But then i realise it's just me fighting to hang on to my own desired outcomes and avoid my fears coming true. And that's all i do each day..fight. I keep rowing against the current. But when i finally let go..i find myself being swept downriver rather easily and i just need to learn new ways of rowing.

I've found that instead of feeling that i should get everything right upfront to control outcomes, i can instead trust myself to be able to handle whatever happens. That way i just follow my heart and intuition, decide on the best at the given moment and never look back with regret, doubt, guilt or self-incrimination. Because I CAN. To hell with people's opinions, responses and reactions. If i am giving my best - that's that.

Honesty

I miss my girlfriends. I miss just being me.

It's hypomania season again and i've been so unavailable to all but my most necessary relationships, mainly my three girls and whoever i feel i must interact with daily. But i'm much stronger inside, a lot of pain has been dealt with and healed so i am a much better person and mom to my girls this time around through the season of single parenting.

When hypomania hits i become extremely bossy. In fact, i become an overwhelming control freak. Why wouldn't i? I get so scared of potential mess and possible pain. But mostly i just want my man back from whatever planet he's left me for, and my desire for control is my way of trying desperately to avoid the changes that seem to take him further and further away from me and his daughters.

But i can't.

And I think i am coming to a point of total honesty with myself, something that happened in the depression cycle and set me freer there. But it's now time to do the same kind of honest awakening in the hypomania cycle. It occurs to me now that the best way for me to avoid myself regressing when he changes is to separate both cycles into two significantly different lives with two completely different men. Like winter after summer. You need different clothes, tyres etc. It's not just in people's mind that they need to dress warmer.

And so, it's no longer just in my mind that i am living with a different man now than i was a month ago. I am giving myself permission to make all the necessary adjustments without feeling, as in previous times, that i have failed to love him enough to keep up with him and that he hasn't loved me enough to stay with me. I am also feeling less guilt about lapsing back into being a bossy control freak. I have not regressed as a person. I was merely caught off guard and coped the only way i knew best against change that threated the most important relationship to any girl - her love-life.

No, this time i am going to gain much ground by being completely honest with myself. Just like in depression, it's not my call to heal him or walk his road and bring him back. I can instead just love him and myself and my girls from my heart..and this time be honest about how much my heart can handle from day to day.

Sometimes There Are No Goodbyes

I keep listening to Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. It's Hindi for "Sometimes There Are No Goodbyes".

We promised each other that the second year we were in love. We were merely 16 but I think we both KNEW then that it was forever. From then on, we only ever said 'Bye' to each other when we needed to part. All these 18 years. But do you know what Bipolar Disorder involves? It involves saying 'goodbye' whenever there's a shift in the phase he is in because he changes colours and it takes a while for him to stabilise every time he does hit a shift in his mood. And i never know if he will come back. The man i love is in there somewhere in the tangle of his moods and unfocused mind. He loves me. And he cares for me like i am precious gold when he is well and able to function like the rest of us who take our ability to walk a straight mental line for granted. But i never know when and if i will see him again everytime he 'leaves'. After all, the last time he left, it took over 2 years for me to see him again.

My favourite phase has to be depression. (Let's not talk about normal - my partner rapid cycles so he is never there long.) That's when he slows down and is able to hear me in his head. That's when he is willing to be loved and affirmed and eventually responds to all the love we share. And it's the connection that i can establish during his depression cycle that finally enabled us to find a combination of both medication and lifestyle patterns that has worked to stabilise him during these phases, and we have been able to live some amazing days of our lives.

But not so the Hypomanic phase. 5 weeks ago my partner was finally looking after me like i could never have imagined and i knew the sweet taste of victory that years of faith and perseverance had made possible. But 3 weeks ago that changed as his mood cycle shifted. His racing brain took off from the runway and i was left watching his plane become a distant dot in the sky, while i was left behind still frantically trying to purchase my ticket at the airline counter. We haven't yet found the right combination of medication for this cycle, much less lifestyle patterns that are conducive to him stabilising as that is so closely tied to the right dosage of medication.

And so, here i am left at the airport terminal..awaiting my flight to catch up with the love of my life who once again, has run off ahead of me. How do you explain the loneliness of missing someone who is right there? Some people know how that feels once a relationship turns sour but what is hard to explain is the yo-yo feeling of this happening in a BP relationship especially without anything turning sour between the people involved. Every time he switches to the manic phase..i lose the connection to him. And then when he switches back to depression and stabilises, he can become the most sensitive affectionate man i know. It is THIS man that i grieve over..i hate to see him go. And every time he leaves, he never says goodbye. Maybe because he's keeping the promise we made at 16. Maybe because it isn't really a goodbye and he expects to be back.

But i don't think i have the same confidence. I only ever know it's not been goodbye when i see him come back. In fact, i realise now that this could very well be my greatest fear - that one of these days it will be a real goodbye.

It suddenly becomes clear why i keep wanting to listen to Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna - "Sometimes There Are No Goodbyes". I need to believe this to face down my greatest fear... and get to the other side. It's time i stopped being afraid of losing him when he hits Hypomania. Only then can i unleash the Power of Love that has the ability to conquer the dark side and bring him back to me, just like it did when i stopped being afraid of Depression.

The Masculine Side

I want a God who will love me unconditionally. I want a God who will not judge me. I want a God who will accept my weaknesses and help me build on my strengths. I want a God who will let me rest. I want a God who will accompany me through scary moments. I want a God who will support me.
I want a father who will speak to me with love, not fear. I want a father who will tell me love stories. I want a father who will sing songs and laugh at jokes. I want a father who keeps his word. I want a father who respects my need for feminine expression. I want a father who won’t withdraw into a distant shell. I want a father who won’t threaten me with aggression. I want a father who will try to understand, and be proud of my choices.
I want a man who will want my children. I want a man who will love my children, protect them and play with them. I want a man my children can admire and respect. I want a man who wants to be with my children because he enjoys them. I want a man who can understand my children.
I want a God who won’t test my faith.
I want a father who I can go to for unconditional help.
I want a husband who won’t betray my trust.
I want strong loving arms to come and carry me. I want strong loving arms to rest in. I want strong loving arms to protect me. I want a strong loving heart to admire. I want a strong loving heart to respect. I want a strong loving heart to love me... and never let me go.

Hero Blues

I find myself struggling at times to remember what it feels like to be carefree. Mainly because i have lived with responsibility for so long now that i find myself unable to detach from a constant rod up my back even when i don't have to assume control and provide caregiving attention to those around me.

At some point in my life i became Superwoman. The role of caregiving in my life became who i am as a person. My job took over my life. I mixed business with pleasure. And now all i have left is my job ruling every part of my life. Ever see Clark Kent and think of him as Clark Kent? Or do you like me, see Superman merely in disguise? That's precisely the point i am making. I'm just Superwoman in disguise now.

I have begun to question the virtue of being strong these days. It's really not that rewarding on my weak days because i DO have them too. I wonder sometimes if instead of strength, i'd like to have the ability to become invisible. Shut off and shut it out. Become completely detached. Oh but wait, i had to summon that power as a child. I was often seen and not heard. After a while i became good at being unseen as well. After all, it was almost the same thing. So i think maybe not. It's not a healthy talent to develop while trying to establish more companionship and affirmation in my life.

So what superpower would i like to have? Somehow i don't think heroes have a choice what their specialties are. I have seen superheroes give up their powers, but not develop a completely different one. It's inborn, our gifts and abilities, so is it even possible for me to ever shut off my strength? I may end up feeling tortured about being untrue to myself.

So maybe the answer lies more in me finding a way to just be myself sans the requirement for my superpowers to be active at all times. Something that would help clearly distinguish me as a person from my superhero identity. I guess that's why some jobs require uniforms. Really just something you can literally remove and suddenly, the role is over. A soldier out of his uniform does not carry a gun. A doctor out of her coat does not lug a stethoscope about. Should some emergency require their skill, they can help. But they don't walk through life after uniform hours on constant alert that they will be unprepared should an enemy or a disease strike.

Yet i do. I have no after hours and i am constantly on alert should i be found wanting while on duty. And i have become fatigued from feeling that i need to constantly be on duty...to be constantly strong.

I guess that's my ongoing struggle with BP. Finding a way to feel safe enough to be carefreely just me.

Acceptance

Living with a life changing illness does not rob us if we exchange the quality of one thing we value with another that works better now that change has come. It is the accepting that is the difficult dance step to learn. How much to accept, how much to fight? Or rather which to accept and which to fight?

Adapting to change isn't what's hard.

It's living through the experimenting and choosing which change we are best suited to that is the real climb.

Changing Seasons

It's a lot like the changing seasons.

Sometimes it's winter and i live on memories of what the flowers look like in spring and how much fun we had when we went camping in the summer. When i finally do realise it's winter and i can't change the weather, my acceptance means snow angels and roasted marshmallows by the fire. But it usually lasts a week because by the time i finally realise i can make winter work for us, it's spring.

I then find myself clearing out mush and preparing flowerbeds and planting seeds. In time there will be flowers but it's still, a lot of hard work to make sure we get a good harvest. If i am lucky, the scenery lasts for a long time and we don't get a frost or a rainstorm to ruin all my hard work in an unsuspecting flash. I can't help but resent these external forces that tamper with my hard work but again, acceptance usually accelerates healing.

Sometimes it's summer and we just have endless days of fun. These are my favourite times. I live for them. At times it seems that my whole life has been preparing me for these moments. All my hard work over 9 months for 3 months of pure amazing life lived to the fullest. But is 3 months too short compared to 9 months of labour and waiting? I try to live in the moment and in fact, find that selective memory works best. Or else i shorten even the mere 3 months and that leaves me cursing myself in bed at night when i realise what i have done. No, thank you.

Autumn days are when i cry a lot. I am tired from all the fun crammed into 3 months, on top of having worked all through the previous 9 months. So when winter rolls around i am usually quite ready for a quiet time of laying low and reconstructing myself. It's when i usually have my own nervous breakdowns and wonder whether i too, have acquired the same fate from mere association. But eventually the last leaf falls and i am done with my crying. And then i can be strong again. Resilient like the trees that look dead but are actually just asleep.

Know what though? Unlike the real seasons of life, the seasons of bipolar aren't as clear cut. The cycles change rapidly, interchange or stretch on..it's never a certainty what cycle or how long it will last. So i am always caught off guard.

Acceptance i find is a great friend of all seasons and can make each one a positive experience. But she is far easier mentioned than invited to stay, especially when fatigue from shouldering the daily responsibilities of life drains me and i become far more sense than sensibility.

My goal is to become an expert at recognising the signs of each season way before they hit. I'm going to work toward that with all my heart. I think it will help me gain acceptance faster so i can make these seasons work for us far more than against us.

A Reciprocal Love

I have spent days doing laundry and cooking and mending relationships and being supportive and selfless and making the best of what I have.

But this is not the life I want.
I was willing to wait all this out for a chance at real love and my lifelong dreams. But I have had to make them happen like Cinderella, from the availables in my life.

I want my happy ever after.
And I am no longer content to daily transform scraps into beautiful items. I want to know the feeling of beholding a beautiufl item that's been made by another's loving hands just for me.

I want the glass slipper to fit and to be taken away to the castle.
But I don’t want someone who has to try and love me once i'm there. I want to experience being loved from the heart with affirming words, expressions and actions.

I want someone to dance with. Not someone to dance for.
And certainly no more silences and mere recollections and imagination to fuel the days without music.

I was born with the ability to love compassionately. Yet I am genuinely grateful that i have had to learn to stop being a martyr and instead, build my self esteem and self worth through the power of self love. Still, i want to be loved by another and experience the compassion of a reciprocal love.

How do i get my happy ever after where i can be sure of being loved unconditionally by someone who struggles just to like himself daily?

In the Beginning

In the beginning there was just a guy and a girl. We were both 15.
We were both young, hopeful and waiting to get away from our limitations into great expectations and even greater dreams.

We had to get over family objections - like Romeo and Juliet.
We had to get over youth - we were minors.
We had to get over distance - we were laying foundations for a future.
We had to get over interference - parents who needed caring instead of giving care.

By then the bipolar had kicked in.
Only we didn't know. And we didn't know for a decade.
We thought we had finally gotten over everything.
We had only begun getting over the biggest hurdle we could ever have imagined.
Bipolar Disorder.

It's been slowly seeing the one i love disappear before my very eyes, stage by stage into someone i have had to fight to believe still loves me despite all the massive destruction left in place of caring for me.

The statistics are that 90% of marriages with Bipolar Disorder end in divorce. Only a mere 10% remain intact.
I'm still here and i live to tell.