Changing Seasons

It's a lot like the changing seasons.

Sometimes it's winter and i live on memories of what the flowers look like in spring and how much fun we had when we went camping in the summer. When i finally do realise it's winter and i can't change the weather, my acceptance means snow angels and roasted marshmallows by the fire. But it usually lasts a week because by the time i finally realise i can make winter work for us, it's spring.

I then find myself clearing out mush and preparing flowerbeds and planting seeds. In time there will be flowers but it's still, a lot of hard work to make sure we get a good harvest. If i am lucky, the scenery lasts for a long time and we don't get a frost or a rainstorm to ruin all my hard work in an unsuspecting flash. I can't help but resent these external forces that tamper with my hard work but again, acceptance usually accelerates healing.

Sometimes it's summer and we just have endless days of fun. These are my favourite times. I live for them. At times it seems that my whole life has been preparing me for these moments. All my hard work over 9 months for 3 months of pure amazing life lived to the fullest. But is 3 months too short compared to 9 months of labour and waiting? I try to live in the moment and in fact, find that selective memory works best. Or else i shorten even the mere 3 months and that leaves me cursing myself in bed at night when i realise what i have done. No, thank you.

Autumn days are when i cry a lot. I am tired from all the fun crammed into 3 months, on top of having worked all through the previous 9 months. So when winter rolls around i am usually quite ready for a quiet time of laying low and reconstructing myself. It's when i usually have my own nervous breakdowns and wonder whether i too, have acquired the same fate from mere association. But eventually the last leaf falls and i am done with my crying. And then i can be strong again. Resilient like the trees that look dead but are actually just asleep.

Know what though? Unlike the real seasons of life, the seasons of bipolar aren't as clear cut. The cycles change rapidly, interchange or stretch on..it's never a certainty what cycle or how long it will last. So i am always caught off guard.

Acceptance i find is a great friend of all seasons and can make each one a positive experience. But she is far easier mentioned than invited to stay, especially when fatigue from shouldering the daily responsibilities of life drains me and i become far more sense than sensibility.

My goal is to become an expert at recognising the signs of each season way before they hit. I'm going to work toward that with all my heart. I think it will help me gain acceptance faster so i can make these seasons work for us far more than against us.