Hero Blues

I find myself struggling at times to remember what it feels like to be carefree. Mainly because i have lived with responsibility for so long now that i find myself unable to detach from a constant rod up my back even when i don't have to assume control and provide caregiving attention to those around me.

At some point in my life i became Superwoman. The role of caregiving in my life became who i am as a person. My job took over my life. I mixed business with pleasure. And now all i have left is my job ruling every part of my life. Ever see Clark Kent and think of him as Clark Kent? Or do you like me, see Superman merely in disguise? That's precisely the point i am making. I'm just Superwoman in disguise now.

I have begun to question the virtue of being strong these days. It's really not that rewarding on my weak days because i DO have them too. I wonder sometimes if instead of strength, i'd like to have the ability to become invisible. Shut off and shut it out. Become completely detached. Oh but wait, i had to summon that power as a child. I was often seen and not heard. After a while i became good at being unseen as well. After all, it was almost the same thing. So i think maybe not. It's not a healthy talent to develop while trying to establish more companionship and affirmation in my life.

So what superpower would i like to have? Somehow i don't think heroes have a choice what their specialties are. I have seen superheroes give up their powers, but not develop a completely different one. It's inborn, our gifts and abilities, so is it even possible for me to ever shut off my strength? I may end up feeling tortured about being untrue to myself.

So maybe the answer lies more in me finding a way to just be myself sans the requirement for my superpowers to be active at all times. Something that would help clearly distinguish me as a person from my superhero identity. I guess that's why some jobs require uniforms. Really just something you can literally remove and suddenly, the role is over. A soldier out of his uniform does not carry a gun. A doctor out of her coat does not lug a stethoscope about. Should some emergency require their skill, they can help. But they don't walk through life after uniform hours on constant alert that they will be unprepared should an enemy or a disease strike.

Yet i do. I have no after hours and i am constantly on alert should i be found wanting while on duty. And i have become fatigued from feeling that i need to constantly be on duty...to be constantly strong.

I guess that's my ongoing struggle with BP. Finding a way to feel safe enough to be carefreely just me.