I miss my girlfriends. I miss just being me.
It's hypomania season again and i've been so unavailable to all but my most necessary relationships, mainly my three girls and whoever i feel i must interact with daily. But i'm much stronger inside, a lot of pain has been dealt with and healed so i am a much better person and mom to my girls this time around through the season of single parenting.
When hypomania hits i become extremely bossy. In fact, i become an overwhelming control freak. Why wouldn't i? I get so scared of potential mess and possible pain. But mostly i just want my man back from whatever planet he's left me for, and my desire for control is my way of trying desperately to avoid the changes that seem to take him further and further away from me and his daughters.
But i can't.
And I think i am coming to a point of total honesty with myself, something that happened in the depression cycle and set me freer there. But it's now time to do the same kind of honest awakening in the hypomania cycle. It occurs to me now that the best way for me to avoid myself regressing when he changes is to separate both cycles into two significantly different lives with two completely different men. Like winter after summer. You need different clothes, tyres etc. It's not just in people's mind that they need to dress warmer.
And so, it's no longer just in my mind that i am living with a different man now than i was a month ago. I am giving myself permission to make all the necessary adjustments without feeling, as in previous times, that i have failed to love him enough to keep up with him and that he hasn't loved me enough to stay with me. I am also feeling less guilt about lapsing back into being a bossy control freak. I have not regressed as a person. I was merely caught off guard and coped the only way i knew best against change that threated the most important relationship to any girl - her love-life.
No, this time i am going to gain much ground by being completely honest with myself. Just like in depression, it's not my call to heal him or walk his road and bring him back. I can instead just love him and myself and my girls from my heart..and this time be honest about how much my heart can handle from day to day.
Meowza! ; p
ReplyDeletePeople act like jerks because they CAN, ya know? Many people with this disease simply cop-out of life because they don't want to be accountable for their actions. This is not just about being bipolar, but people with addictions to substances or work, etc also apply.
I like the work I do with the Inner Child, it's taught me much about what's going on inside with my subconscious... But it's also helped me to decipher another person's thinking, body language, etc.
I frequently encounter situations that just don't feel right. That's my clue, I may need to establish a boundary, and some boundaries are psychic.
You can't really control anyone but yourself. However you can inform them what you will or will not participate in. It's important to establish your limitations, because people will try to "run" you with their energy, otherwise. And they'll do it because they know they can.
Never allow anyone to snuff your inner-light.
and people with BP who haven't gotten in touch with their inner child will really 'run' you..because they are like kids who are extremely insecure and who will 'act up and act out' trying to EXIST
ReplyDeleteit's been the best possible lesson to draw my own healthy boundaries from self love..and because i love him too. boundaries motivated by LOVE are the most elegant of all