All My Love

I married just before turning 23. It was a love story of 8 years and many obstacles conquered. So u can say that i married a man i had great hope of being happy with. And he truly loved me..still does. But we are of vastly different cultures and while it didn't affect us before we were married, it did after, especially when the children arrived. The way his family understands love and family is different from mine. Cultural differences, family style differences. And then of course he has Bipolar Disorder, a disorder that causes the person to become emotionally unstable and affects their ability to think and function when they relapse. So for a long time, although we had a great love..we had serious trouble living together, and working together to build a family.

And then i know a couple who fell in love because they had so much in common - the same dreams and ideas about life – and were the perfect complement to each, both sharing the same culture and outlook on life. They have had no illnesses to throw them off track but are struggling to understand each other now after 10 years..as children have come along and both partners can't seem to agree on the best way to handle their family.

And then i know another couple who have had children, were doing very well together as a family.. but then the wife started working after being home for many years to raise the kids and her new freedom and confidence made her a different person. They are having a rough time now because she has changed so much..and both partners feel they are married to people they no longer know or understand. They are committed to each other, but it's a lot of pain right now..as they are still trying to work out how best to carry on together from here.

And yet another couple who have had children and are enjoying their marriage tremendously.. because both share same family values and culture. But they hardly have time with each other, as the husband has a very demanding job and it's what he has to do to support them in the comfort and style they want for their family and for each other.

In each of these marriages (and i believe now) in every marriage, every person struggles with loneliness..in one way or another.
And so i wonder.. is my marriage truly hampered by this medical disorder? Or is in fact every marriage tainted by some disorder after all, varying only in the apparent visibility and intensity of the consequences brought on by that disorder?

If this is true, then perhaps the only difference between partnerships that survive and those that suffer is that strong relationships are those where people (either one party or both) accept that they need to work hard at STAYING TOGETHER, MAKING IT WORK BY WORKING THROUGH THE CHALLENGES TOGETHER. If you accept that and decide to stay against all odds, it's almost as if you can't let go because you started out so in love with each other and it's someone you chose out of everyone and when it gets super rough, you remember..your heart remembers..that once long ago..it was so good..before kids, mortgages, bills, exhaustion, illness. And you can't help but think that maybe.. just maybe.. we still love each other deeply and if all these were taken away, we would see that love clearer.

Which is why maybe when you go away together and leave your daily life behind for a while, you get to see whether you are still good together. And if you are..then you realise it's not you don't love each other anymore..but you are both stuck being a grown-up all the time in a very grown-up world with very heavy grown-up burdens and THAT'S the real problem. You realise that as long as there is a desire to love and be loved, and the openness of heart to accept that over the years people age and become tired and you don't stop loving someone and move on just because someone has become ill/tired or too grown-up (also a type of illness if you ask me) ..then it CAN still work out somehow and work out well even. You have HOPE.

And so here i am still with a man i sometimes struggle to understand and feel so frustrated with, and at times a man who fills me with fear and uncertainty as i care for our very young children in the presence of his unstable emotions and less than desirable actions. Because you see.. every marriage has a lurking disability and every partnerships its share of challenges. To judge mine tougher is merely to accept that i need to work a lot differently from the others and what works for most doesn't work for me. But to say it doesn't work? Only if i don't try with all my heart, with all my love.