I have spent days doing laundry and cooking and mending relationships and being supportive and selfless and making the best of what I have.
But this is not the life I want.
I was willing to wait all this out for a chance at real love and my lifelong dreams. But I have had to make them happen like Cinderella, from the availables in my life.
I want my happy ever after.
And I am no longer content to daily transform scraps into beautiful items. I want to know the feeling of beholding a beautiufl item that's been made by another's loving hands just for me.
I want the glass slipper to fit and to be taken away to the castle.
But I don’t want someone who has to try and love me once i'm there. I want to experience being loved from the heart with affirming words, expressions and actions.
I want someone to dance with. Not someone to dance for.
And certainly no more silences and mere recollections and imagination to fuel the days without music.
I was born with the ability to love compassionately. Yet I am genuinely grateful that i have had to learn to stop being a martyr and instead, build my self esteem and self worth through the power of self love. Still, i want to be loved by another and experience the compassion of a reciprocal love.
How do i get my happy ever after where i can be sure of being loved unconditionally by someone who struggles just to like himself daily?
So true, and a beautiful idea... Many people with bipolar have come to see their lives as being "throw away". Therefore, even creative projects that required so much time can be destroyed over night.
ReplyDeleteIt has something to do with the world constantly negating your reality. When you're young, it's all your "imagination". You don't really know what you're feeling and are told - pull yourself up by your boot-straps; stand up, and get it together! Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Adulthood brings on the burden of stress, creative energy, people stealing your ideas and projects, and taking credit for, or undermining your work with their jealousy - basically dismissing you as being credible. Into midlife, you get - "are you sure you wanna talk about this with ME and not a psychiatrist?" "Do you think you need more PILLS?"
I like your thoughts here. I may need to create a shrine to say goodbye to my parents and siblings.
Namaste', Ceyla, and Thank You again for taking the time to journal this blog and share it with others!
ReplyDeleteYou provided some great meditations for me to work through! Thank You for being such a brave, compassionate soul!
Heart Love to You, Angel! | | |
Orandon
I am so glad you have shared something on every post Orandon..it's the complementing view from mine..from the BP side and beautifully put..i am so able to look into it all from the other side..makes me realise why i was prompted to write this blog..so someday, when i was ready for it...i would get the other side of every single moment i have passed by here
ReplyDeleteYing and Yang.. a COMPLETE circle
<3