Mirrors

Relationships are mirrors.

So we always end up in intimate relationships with people who are secretly carrying the clearest mirror this world has ... of ourselves.

And i have survived and grown past all other reflections ... until i met THIS one.
I am afraid of being close to people. REALLY close. Because i always end up making people feel uncomfortable with my romantic heart.

I love all the sentimental things in life. I love hugs. I love warm cosy fires and people cuddling close for a hot mug of coco. A guitar playing and everyone singing together. I love long walks where it's quiet .. and all you do is smile and hold each other's hands and pick up shells, and then go home and craft it or sketch it. Or take photographs and make them into pretty sketchbook memories. THIS makes me SO HAPPY.

But most people in my life don't seem to enjoy what i do ... unless it's ONE small dose in between lots of eating, drinking and fun loud games. I'm not sporty. I'm not sassy. And i'm definitely not very social as far as parties of more than 8 people go. And the things that i do and like are relatively low-key to most.

I'm on the verge of giving up. I think it's really just a matter of WHAT i am going to give up.
It's either the people in my life ... or my preference for the romance.
Unfortunately .. i'm so angry and frustrated .. i think i'm giving up BOTH.

I have tried .. oh how i have tried SO HARD .. to be more like the other people in my life .. but i just end up so angry at myself and miserable inside .. for giving up who i really am just to have friends and be loved. And when i finally walked away ... because the pain of having my heart be untrue to itself was greater than the pain of loneliness ... i ended up being angry at the romance i do love .. for having such a claim on me that this severance has come to pass.

If life wants me to be a romantic .. then why the hey has it put me amongst people who don't relate?
And most of all .. in an intimate relationship that makes me feel that all i am is robbing them of life?
What is this mirror trying to tell me?

Why does it keep throwing me people who don't cherish the romance i do and all i end up is making them feel uncomfortable and breaking my own heart in the process as i have to walk away? 

Relationships are mirrors.
Maybe i'm at a funfair ... and so the mirrors are all meant to be distorted and i'm not seeing who i really am in any of them. But i don't know this.

Maybe it's time to leave the funfair .. now that i do know.

After all .. i've never like the circus or funfairs since i was a little girl .. they creep me out with all the costumes and over-the-top displays .. i have an eerie feeling of wondering who's real and who's not.

So where ARE all the real mirrors? I guess at least now I know to look for them ..

Relationships are mirrors.
It's time to find some mirrors that better reflect the nicer sides of me so i can learn to love again .. without fear of hurting anyone, and my own heart.

Killing Me Softly

They won't decide. So you have to.
And that way ... they never have to say it when it goes wrong .. but it will always be understood that it's your own fault it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. And their defence against your disappointment ... is to remove themselves altogether from participating.

And i guess that makes complete sense.

Except ... it means you are always ALONE.

Because you live with people who are constantly guarding their own keep .. against the world, including against you. And after years of that .. you realise, that you are nobody's baby. I'm certainly not his even though he says he loves me.

Because he isn't about to love me unless he can do it at a safe distance.
And i stay ... because by now i'm convinced that NOBODY will EVER love me any differently.

Not when this is how it was when i was a child .. and still is even after giving my all in love in a committed partnership.

I look in the mirror and i no longer see a beautiful girl.

I see a person who isn't worth anybody's commitment in any way.

Somehow, i have to love myself through this.