Surviving Loneliness

I found this poem today .. written almost a year ago now.

the desert of your love

you made me go down on my knees
and cry
by the time i got up
my heart lay in broken pieces on the floor
i stared at them
numb from the pain.. so i could keep on breathing

you didn't mean to hurt me
does anyone?
i who have no one to cry to
you wouldn't open your arms to and comfort
when i was a child

i know i am alone
thank you for reminding me
it is and remains so

15 jan 2012

I hardly share my sad feelings .. because i don't define my life as being sad. Yet, if i am to be authentic .. and stay true to the purpose of this blog which is to share the journey of loving above and beyond bipolar .. i would be hiding the truth if i don't share that a lot of that overcoming is the need to heal MYSELF as well. Because I do feel sad .. a lot. To feel everything's finally okay when it's a period of remission .. and then live through another episode of regression is heartbreaking to say the least.

Caring for a person who has bipolar is like taking care of a lion. You must never forget that it's a wild animal at heart .. and that its nature is that of a carnivour. But you can't help loving it .. you see its true beauty. Yet, it's not something you can cuddle often or at all .. and if you like cuddles, this can leave you depleted .. wondering why you aren't good enough for a cuddle. Because unlike a lion .. a person with bipolar looks just like you on the outside. And inevitably .. you want a cuddle. But that cuddle may never come .. or is sparse and far apart.

So you end up with a bruised heart and a battered self esteem. The perfect Recipe for Depression.

Loneliness isn't being alone .. it's having no one to share your heart with. And with a bipolar partner ... that can be a very painful reality. To be able to love someone so wrapped up in their own pain ..takes an enormous amount of self love and the support of significant others who can and will love you .. and allow you to share your heart.

That's the only way to live .. in the desert of love ~

Saying NO to Help

i'm tired of your scepticism
and factual left-brain

if you like to eat marshmallows
for breakfast
feel free to
.. i prefer a cup of daisies
toasted in sunshine
with dewdrop sauce

and if that seems odd to you
please .. oh please
don't ask me to explain

i'm dying soon
and i just don't have the time
to waste my words
on your need to be right ~

Often the most exhausting part of living with a challenge is the EXPLAINING that needs to be done. I can't even begin to express my frustration at having to speak to people who 'want to help' .. but have no clue about bipolar or mental health issues.

I've learnt to seek and receive help from professionals and people who DO have experience with mental and emotional health. Anyone else who means well but needs to be helped in order to be of help .. I need to say NO to. I just cannot afford to invest whatever energies I have left above and beyond care-giving into anyone else but myself.

As selfish as that sounds, it is a NEED and PRESCRIPTION as our therapist has wisely instructed me. If I allow myself to be depleted, I put all the lives in my care in danger as I will naturally not be able to care for them, if I myself were to break down emotionally and mentally. I get that, but it's hard for other people without bipolar or depression to really 'get it'. And thus I've also learnt to let go of some relationships because I now also see that those people who need to be helped so they can help .. aren't truly focused on giving to me as they are in giving to themselves by giving to me. In short, they are fulfilling their own needs FIRST in coming to my assistance .. fulfilling their personal sense of duty or self actualisation, as opposed to offering a relevant expertise or affirmation as an expression of unconditional love.

To give from unconditional love is to recognise that there may not be a payback, a mutual benefit or deserved support. It is an act of help given to a person in need, at their low point. And being ravaged by the consequences of bipolar and depression, and passive aggression .. is indeed an extremely low point.

So, i've learnt to stick to those who understand what it is to walk in my shoes and can offer unconditional love .. because anyone else is just going to get exhausted in the long haul and then, i'm going to feel a need to help them cope with the ravages of bipolar and depression as well. After more than a decade, i can truly say Enough is Enough. I'm working hard to contain the casualties .. not increase them. And if there are people who don't get that.. it's good to know upfront who they are. This journey with BP is long .. and rough. And I need all the inner resources I can muster up .. to see it through.

So if you've felt rejected even though you tried to help, understand that it's not about you. When there's mental health issues, you will ALWAYS be at the raw end of the deal. ACCEPT IT AND DEAL WITH IT. That's part of being the help.

And if you are the one exhausted yet needing help, it IS available .. just learn to be brave and take it only from those stronger than you .. who already have a good heads up on what actually living with bipolar and depression is like from the inside out.

As caregivers, it's okay to say NO to others .. when it means saying an important YES to ourselves ~ ❤