Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I Don't Know
How do you make a life with someone who only wants to live in their own head?
You can't.
You make the life you want happen.
And then hope they'll come along for the ride.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Limitations
No matter how much of an ocean of love mommy has .. some things in life are just beyond mommy's hands ....
So mommy can only pray and pray and pray...and love you the best you will let me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Why the guilt?
i think those times when people feel guilt for something negative they cannot control..it is actually them grieving, but being unable to let go of the fact that they did not have control (much like a parent whose child inherits an illness)
for those time when people feel guilt for something seemingly 'inconsequential', it is them straining against the values they have been taught to adopt but are actually a mismatch to thier true essence.
as for those who feel genuine guilt over something that was done poorly, it is a regret, a wish within themselves to have done better.
in all cases, guilt is a SIGNAL..a type of gauge for our inner self love tank.. when we have guilt, we know we need to do some re-alignment within..whether it is to accept a truth we have been avoiding, or to evolve and sift out what is our true values that match who we truly are, or to take steps to forgive ourselves and move forward to a better today and tomorrow.
it is when i avoid guilt, and label it as a bad thing that problems arise. in fact, many of life's issues arise from a DUALITY VIEW of good and bad. when i reframe what has happened into what works/doesn't work or positive/negative and leave emotional judgements out of the picture..i can usually see better how that guilt can actually work for me, to help me re-align with where and who i really need to be..
for those time when people feel guilt for something seemingly 'inconsequential', it is them straining against the values they have been taught to adopt but are actually a mismatch to thier true essence.
as for those who feel genuine guilt over something that was done poorly, it is a regret, a wish within themselves to have done better.
in all cases, guilt is a SIGNAL..a type of gauge for our inner self love tank.. when we have guilt, we know we need to do some re-alignment within..whether it is to accept a truth we have been avoiding, or to evolve and sift out what is our true values that match who we truly are, or to take steps to forgive ourselves and move forward to a better today and tomorrow.
it is when i avoid guilt, and label it as a bad thing that problems arise. in fact, many of life's issues arise from a DUALITY VIEW of good and bad. when i reframe what has happened into what works/doesn't work or positive/negative and leave emotional judgements out of the picture..i can usually see better how that guilt can actually work for me, to help me re-align with where and who i really need to be..
I forgive you for breaking my heart..
How is it possible to forgive people who lie and steal from us..whether the impact is material or our time/energy even our happiness..?
I think that happens when we see that in forgiving them it is WE who are letting go of the hurt and negativity their poor choices have caused. We forgive not to bless them, but to bless ourselves, as an act of self love. Being positive does not mean we allow others to bully us and we become doormats, it is not to become foolish and lay ourselves open to attack. Rather, it is to always CHOOSE to reframe what is before us and inside us in a better light.to turn on the light sometimes. Darkness after all cannot be explained..it isn't really anything except the absence of light. So being positive is merely bringing light and love to any situation we are in..it's a choice that affirms our own soul's right to be free and to be loved. It is being able to CHOOSE for ourselves a happy ending within us, if not without, so we do not stay trapped and helpless by what has hit us hard.
I may not get back the item/time/energy stolen, but i will come to a point where i will also no longer believe that losing whatever it is that was taken away has impaired my life. I can overcome and thrive even..
I think that happens when we see that in forgiving them it is WE who are letting go of the hurt and negativity their poor choices have caused. We forgive not to bless them, but to bless ourselves, as an act of self love. Being positive does not mean we allow others to bully us and we become doormats, it is not to become foolish and lay ourselves open to attack. Rather, it is to always CHOOSE to reframe what is before us and inside us in a better light.to turn on the light sometimes. Darkness after all cannot be explained..it isn't really anything except the absence of light. So being positive is merely bringing light and love to any situation we are in..it's a choice that affirms our own soul's right to be free and to be loved. It is being able to CHOOSE for ourselves a happy ending within us, if not without, so we do not stay trapped and helpless by what has hit us hard.
I may not get back the item/time/energy stolen, but i will come to a point where i will also no longer believe that losing whatever it is that was taken away has impaired my life. I can overcome and thrive even..
Saturday, August 29, 2009
All My Love
I married just before turning 23. It was a love story of 8 years and many obstacles conquered. So u can say that i married a man i had great hope of being happy with. And he truly loved me..still does. But we are of vastly different cultures and while it didn't affect us before we were married, it did after, especially when the children arrived. The way his family understands love and family is different from mine. Cultural differences, family style differences. And then of course he has Bipolar Disorder, a disorder that causes the person to become emotionally unstable and affects their ability to think and function when they relapse. So for a long time, although we had a great love..we had serious trouble living together, and working together to build a family.
And then i know a couple who fell in love because they had so much in common - the same dreams and ideas about life – and were the perfect complement to each, both sharing the same culture and outlook on life. They have had no illnesses to throw them off track but are struggling to understand each other now after 10 years..as children have come along and both partners can't seem to agree on the best way to handle their family.
And then i know another couple who have had children, were doing very well together as a family.. but then the wife started working after being home for many years to raise the kids and her new freedom and confidence made her a different person. They are having a rough time now because she has changed so much..and both partners feel they are married to people they no longer know or understand. They are committed to each other, but it's a lot of pain right now..as they are still trying to work out how best to carry on together from here.
And yet another couple who have had children and are enjoying their marriage tremendously.. because both share same family values and culture. But they hardly have time with each other, as the husband has a very demanding job and it's what he has to do to support them in the comfort and style they want for their family and for each other.
In each of these marriages (and i believe now) in every marriage, every person struggles with loneliness..in one way or another.
And so i wonder.. is my marriage truly hampered by this medical disorder? Or is in fact every marriage tainted by some disorder after all, varying only in the apparent visibility and intensity of the consequences brought on by that disorder?
If this is true, then perhaps the only difference between partnerships that survive and those that suffer is that strong relationships are those where people (either one party or both) accept that they need to work hard at STAYING TOGETHER, MAKING IT WORK BY WORKING THROUGH THE CHALLENGES TOGETHER. If you accept that and decide to stay against all odds, it's almost as if you can't let go because you started out so in love with each other and it's someone you chose out of everyone and when it gets super rough, you remember..your heart remembers..that once long ago..it was so good..before kids, mortgages, bills, exhaustion, illness. And you can't help but think that maybe.. just maybe.. we still love each other deeply and if all these were taken away, we would see that love clearer.
Which is why maybe when you go away together and leave your daily life behind for a while, you get to see whether you are still good together. And if you are..then you realise it's not you don't love each other anymore..but you are both stuck being a grown-up all the time in a very grown-up world with very heavy grown-up burdens and THAT'S the real problem. You realise that as long as there is a desire to love and be loved, and the openness of heart to accept that over the years people age and become tired and you don't stop loving someone and move on just because someone has become ill/tired or too grown-up (also a type of illness if you ask me) ..then it CAN still work out somehow and work out well even. You have HOPE.
And so here i am still with a man i sometimes struggle to understand and feel so frustrated with, and at times a man who fills me with fear and uncertainty as i care for our very young children in the presence of his unstable emotions and less than desirable actions. Because you see.. every marriage has a lurking disability and every partnerships its share of challenges. To judge mine tougher is merely to accept that i need to work a lot differently from the others and what works for most doesn't work for me. But to say it doesn't work? Only if i don't try with all my heart, with all my love.
And then i know a couple who fell in love because they had so much in common - the same dreams and ideas about life – and were the perfect complement to each, both sharing the same culture and outlook on life. They have had no illnesses to throw them off track but are struggling to understand each other now after 10 years..as children have come along and both partners can't seem to agree on the best way to handle their family.
And then i know another couple who have had children, were doing very well together as a family.. but then the wife started working after being home for many years to raise the kids and her new freedom and confidence made her a different person. They are having a rough time now because she has changed so much..and both partners feel they are married to people they no longer know or understand. They are committed to each other, but it's a lot of pain right now..as they are still trying to work out how best to carry on together from here.
And yet another couple who have had children and are enjoying their marriage tremendously.. because both share same family values and culture. But they hardly have time with each other, as the husband has a very demanding job and it's what he has to do to support them in the comfort and style they want for their family and for each other.
In each of these marriages (and i believe now) in every marriage, every person struggles with loneliness..in one way or another.
And so i wonder.. is my marriage truly hampered by this medical disorder? Or is in fact every marriage tainted by some disorder after all, varying only in the apparent visibility and intensity of the consequences brought on by that disorder?
If this is true, then perhaps the only difference between partnerships that survive and those that suffer is that strong relationships are those where people (either one party or both) accept that they need to work hard at STAYING TOGETHER, MAKING IT WORK BY WORKING THROUGH THE CHALLENGES TOGETHER. If you accept that and decide to stay against all odds, it's almost as if you can't let go because you started out so in love with each other and it's someone you chose out of everyone and when it gets super rough, you remember..your heart remembers..that once long ago..it was so good..before kids, mortgages, bills, exhaustion, illness. And you can't help but think that maybe.. just maybe.. we still love each other deeply and if all these were taken away, we would see that love clearer.
Which is why maybe when you go away together and leave your daily life behind for a while, you get to see whether you are still good together. And if you are..then you realise it's not you don't love each other anymore..but you are both stuck being a grown-up all the time in a very grown-up world with very heavy grown-up burdens and THAT'S the real problem. You realise that as long as there is a desire to love and be loved, and the openness of heart to accept that over the years people age and become tired and you don't stop loving someone and move on just because someone has become ill/tired or too grown-up (also a type of illness if you ask me) ..then it CAN still work out somehow and work out well even. You have HOPE.
And so here i am still with a man i sometimes struggle to understand and feel so frustrated with, and at times a man who fills me with fear and uncertainty as i care for our very young children in the presence of his unstable emotions and less than desirable actions. Because you see.. every marriage has a lurking disability and every partnerships its share of challenges. To judge mine tougher is merely to accept that i need to work a lot differently from the others and what works for most doesn't work for me. But to say it doesn't work? Only if i don't try with all my heart, with all my love.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
As Good As It Gets
19 August 2009
Before the diagnosis i spent many years trying everything i could think of to engineer circumstances and lifestyle choices, thinking our love would help cure his insecurities that were causing the drama and bad choices. I finally came to accept at the end of 2007 that perhaps, all he needed was me being affirming. That seemed to work best. And for a while.. it was really good because i had let go and accepted what was, and moved on to making magic from whatever we did have. A lot like playing when the sun shone and accepting that rainstorms were an eventual and inevitable part of life.
But when he got diagnosed, i had HOPE again of a cure to the drama and bad choices, and more importantly all the accompanying consequences. Of course BP has no cure but i thought maybe with meds and alternative healing, with better insight into his complex past that triggered the BP..he could really get 'better'. But today i accepted that 'better' is such a pressure for him, for me. What if this is as good as it gets? But most of all, what if trying to make him 'better' is perhaps what is keeping us a prisoner to the BP? After all, only the broken need 'fixing' and only what is substandard needs to be made better. I can imagine him daily, feeling a need to get 'better' and nurturing a sense of low self esteem with each passing day he stays acutely aware of the fact that he needs fixing. If this is as good as he gets, then i'm choosing today to be okay with that.
As my cousin, a beautiful doctor with a heart, said so clearly to me today- for BP, the best you can really do as a significant other is try and get relapses farther apart, reduce the intensity and damage during a relapse, and be there to accelerate recovery.
It totally freed me..to realise that i can't make him 'better', but that i can support him through relapses. I can't prevent rainstorms, but i can open umbrellas and prepare hot coco. That's the BEST i CAN do.
I have been living with guilt all these years that maybe if i had been more vigilant, more disciplined, more alert..maybe i could have circumvented some of his disastrous episodes; avoided the despair not to mention the financial damage. So that's what i have been like in the past years..ever vigilant, ever alert. I eventually progressed to living without fear of possible doom, but when he got diagnosed, i became obsessed instead on him getting better. But i have just pushed him away, pushed myself into a corner, made everyone a distant friend..because i have been living on a timeline hoping for a cure. Waiting for that breakthrough.. AND THEN i can finally LIVE.
But if this is as good as it gets.. then my waiting is over. I can start living RIGHT NOW. No more waiting means i can release the pressure on myself and on him to reach for 'better'. Better can just come if and when it's ready, and we can instead give our all to making life good as it is, with what we have right now..AS IS.
There will always be relapses around the corner. Like rainstorms, I need not feel bad when a relapse does become imminent, because it's not my lack of love or his lack of care that has caused it. If you live in the tropics, it WILL rain. No point dreading it, blaming it, or grumbling about it when a downpour does appear. But we CAN both try to minimise it affecting/damaging our lives and work at getting back on track as soon as possible. And for this, i also realise that it's okay for us to need special friends.. friends who realise along with us that relapses aren't a sign of failure, but a real fact of illness, and that we will need understanding/emotional support through such times and that we will possibly be less available in some/many ways until we are past the storm. Friends who know we have much to give, and who let us be our best..AS IS.
At least i now know..what to ask of myself, of him, and all the world.
And that means i can finally..freely live and love again :)
Before the diagnosis i spent many years trying everything i could think of to engineer circumstances and lifestyle choices, thinking our love would help cure his insecurities that were causing the drama and bad choices. I finally came to accept at the end of 2007 that perhaps, all he needed was me being affirming. That seemed to work best. And for a while.. it was really good because i had let go and accepted what was, and moved on to making magic from whatever we did have. A lot like playing when the sun shone and accepting that rainstorms were an eventual and inevitable part of life.
But when he got diagnosed, i had HOPE again of a cure to the drama and bad choices, and more importantly all the accompanying consequences. Of course BP has no cure but i thought maybe with meds and alternative healing, with better insight into his complex past that triggered the BP..he could really get 'better'. But today i accepted that 'better' is such a pressure for him, for me. What if this is as good as it gets? But most of all, what if trying to make him 'better' is perhaps what is keeping us a prisoner to the BP? After all, only the broken need 'fixing' and only what is substandard needs to be made better. I can imagine him daily, feeling a need to get 'better' and nurturing a sense of low self esteem with each passing day he stays acutely aware of the fact that he needs fixing. If this is as good as he gets, then i'm choosing today to be okay with that.
As my cousin, a beautiful doctor with a heart, said so clearly to me today- for BP, the best you can really do as a significant other is try and get relapses farther apart, reduce the intensity and damage during a relapse, and be there to accelerate recovery.
It totally freed me..to realise that i can't make him 'better', but that i can support him through relapses. I can't prevent rainstorms, but i can open umbrellas and prepare hot coco. That's the BEST i CAN do.
I have been living with guilt all these years that maybe if i had been more vigilant, more disciplined, more alert..maybe i could have circumvented some of his disastrous episodes; avoided the despair not to mention the financial damage. So that's what i have been like in the past years..ever vigilant, ever alert. I eventually progressed to living without fear of possible doom, but when he got diagnosed, i became obsessed instead on him getting better. But i have just pushed him away, pushed myself into a corner, made everyone a distant friend..because i have been living on a timeline hoping for a cure. Waiting for that breakthrough.. AND THEN i can finally LIVE.
But if this is as good as it gets.. then my waiting is over. I can start living RIGHT NOW. No more waiting means i can release the pressure on myself and on him to reach for 'better'. Better can just come if and when it's ready, and we can instead give our all to making life good as it is, with what we have right now..AS IS.
There will always be relapses around the corner. Like rainstorms, I need not feel bad when a relapse does become imminent, because it's not my lack of love or his lack of care that has caused it. If you live in the tropics, it WILL rain. No point dreading it, blaming it, or grumbling about it when a downpour does appear. But we CAN both try to minimise it affecting/damaging our lives and work at getting back on track as soon as possible. And for this, i also realise that it's okay for us to need special friends.. friends who realise along with us that relapses aren't a sign of failure, but a real fact of illness, and that we will need understanding/emotional support through such times and that we will possibly be less available in some/many ways until we are past the storm. Friends who know we have much to give, and who let us be our best..AS IS.
At least i now know..what to ask of myself, of him, and all the world.
And that means i can finally..freely live and love again :)
Friday, August 7, 2009
A Beautiful Life
I have just spent the last 20 minutes crying because i realise that he has never loved anyone the way he loves me. As damaging as he has been, he has loved me all he could.
It's odd but i have had to travel down this long painful, complicated road only to come back to where i started in life with him, except as a different person. I have been looking back lately, as an emancipated woman now, and wondering if i rushed into marriage for the wrong reasons, if i sold myself out.
But i can't imagine a more beautiful life than caring for and loving a man who genuinely needs me and on my deathbed knowing that i loved him the best i could against all odds..and that because of me, he had a LIFE, and a GOOD one..and my life would have been worth every breath i took loving him despite each and every setback ~
It's odd but i have had to travel down this long painful, complicated road only to come back to where i started in life with him, except as a different person. I have been looking back lately, as an emancipated woman now, and wondering if i rushed into marriage for the wrong reasons, if i sold myself out.
But i can't imagine a more beautiful life than caring for and loving a man who genuinely needs me and on my deathbed knowing that i loved him the best i could against all odds..and that because of me, he had a LIFE, and a GOOD one..and my life would have been worth every breath i took loving him despite each and every setback ~
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Soulmates
It was Synchronicity to me that Paulo Coelho posted the topic of Soulmates up for discussion as it has been the very question in my mind to the Universe this past week. Speaking out my feelings on his blog today really helped me get one step closer to my very important truth in my rather difficult relationship.
"My partner knew i was meant to be his when he was 10. I only fell in love with him at 15. We spent 8 years overcoming parental disapproval, cultural gaps and disapproval as he is of Chinese descent and i of Indian descent, distance, and our own continual personal struggles to finally go from falling in love to marriage.
It’s not actually been always easy, but there has always been an unexplainable attraction, a ‘fit’ and feeling of coming home when we are both in the NOW together. But that rarely happens as he has had bipolar disorder for many years now and for a decade it was undiagnosed which means i lived through many betrayals of trust and heartache at his unexplainable and even risky behaviour. But i could never leave..even at his worst, i saw that he needed me even when he couldn’t, and that i was his only lifeline through it. We have 3 little girls and at times, it has seemed that i have put them at risk staying on with him, but i know now that the force driving me to stay with him was more than just my own willpower and fear of being alone. It seemed the divine love of God itself was pushing me on even when the whole world couldn’t make sense of what was happening and on hindsight i know now that indeed, it was.
After diagnosis and ongoing medication, he is finally improving after 10 years of me wondering where he had gone and why the man i fell in love had “left” me. The heartache was excruciating..having someone you love right there next to you but so far away in their heart and love. But lately, i have had times with him again when time stood still and the Universe opened to me. My heart has been searching for many years the reason why our love seems destined to be a struggle to be together, for even though we are married..it is maybe a collective 2-3 weeks at the most in a year when we truly are in each other’s presence, when we ‘fit’. But it is those times that keep me fueled to stay on and keep up the fight for our dream of true love to come true.
Is he my soulmate? I have read now that soulmates are people we feel comfortable with and have an uncanny ability to connect with, a sense of unexplainable familiarity. As in Brida, there can be more than one. Lately, i have met many soulmates and in my case, they are all women. And it has been their friendship that has kept me strong and ‘topped up’ to love my husband better despite the pain he unconsciously causes me due to his illness. So soulmates definitely exist and are so important i feel for us to feel loved enough to grow and to dare to reach for that happiness that is attached to our true purpose of being.
But from my own experience i think now..soulmate is not THE ultimate one for a person, but definitely AN ultimate someone in your life. Sometimes it is even a mother, a father, a sister, a friend, or a stranger you meet on a cafe by the highway for just one evening of your life. Soulmates can be a masculine or feminine. But your TwinFlame will always be the opposite gender as it is the EXACT match to you..and the relationship will be a struggle unless both souls are evolved in the NOW equally.
So is my partner my soulmate? I wonder now if he is not..if he is in fact my TwinFlame. For the connection to him is strong, we are almost telepathic at times without trying, i KNOW when he has had a high-risk episode even when he is in another country and i will be the one who will contact him as he by then will be too wracked with guilt to reach out to me. And when he is present in the Now and well..for that small window in time whenever that happens - he KNOWS me to my core and i see in his eyes my entire purpose of being as if i am staring into the eyes of God himself..so deep is the knowing, and so complete is my soul."
I am still learning..life is about the journey is it not?
"My partner knew i was meant to be his when he was 10. I only fell in love with him at 15. We spent 8 years overcoming parental disapproval, cultural gaps and disapproval as he is of Chinese descent and i of Indian descent, distance, and our own continual personal struggles to finally go from falling in love to marriage.
It’s not actually been always easy, but there has always been an unexplainable attraction, a ‘fit’ and feeling of coming home when we are both in the NOW together. But that rarely happens as he has had bipolar disorder for many years now and for a decade it was undiagnosed which means i lived through many betrayals of trust and heartache at his unexplainable and even risky behaviour. But i could never leave..even at his worst, i saw that he needed me even when he couldn’t, and that i was his only lifeline through it. We have 3 little girls and at times, it has seemed that i have put them at risk staying on with him, but i know now that the force driving me to stay with him was more than just my own willpower and fear of being alone. It seemed the divine love of God itself was pushing me on even when the whole world couldn’t make sense of what was happening and on hindsight i know now that indeed, it was.
After diagnosis and ongoing medication, he is finally improving after 10 years of me wondering where he had gone and why the man i fell in love had “left” me. The heartache was excruciating..having someone you love right there next to you but so far away in their heart and love. But lately, i have had times with him again when time stood still and the Universe opened to me. My heart has been searching for many years the reason why our love seems destined to be a struggle to be together, for even though we are married..it is maybe a collective 2-3 weeks at the most in a year when we truly are in each other’s presence, when we ‘fit’. But it is those times that keep me fueled to stay on and keep up the fight for our dream of true love to come true.
Is he my soulmate? I have read now that soulmates are people we feel comfortable with and have an uncanny ability to connect with, a sense of unexplainable familiarity. As in Brida, there can be more than one. Lately, i have met many soulmates and in my case, they are all women. And it has been their friendship that has kept me strong and ‘topped up’ to love my husband better despite the pain he unconsciously causes me due to his illness. So soulmates definitely exist and are so important i feel for us to feel loved enough to grow and to dare to reach for that happiness that is attached to our true purpose of being.
But from my own experience i think now..soulmate is not THE ultimate one for a person, but definitely AN ultimate someone in your life. Sometimes it is even a mother, a father, a sister, a friend, or a stranger you meet on a cafe by the highway for just one evening of your life. Soulmates can be a masculine or feminine. But your TwinFlame will always be the opposite gender as it is the EXACT match to you..and the relationship will be a struggle unless both souls are evolved in the NOW equally.
So is my partner my soulmate? I wonder now if he is not..if he is in fact my TwinFlame. For the connection to him is strong, we are almost telepathic at times without trying, i KNOW when he has had a high-risk episode even when he is in another country and i will be the one who will contact him as he by then will be too wracked with guilt to reach out to me. And when he is present in the Now and well..for that small window in time whenever that happens - he KNOWS me to my core and i see in his eyes my entire purpose of being as if i am staring into the eyes of God himself..so deep is the knowing, and so complete is my soul."
I am still learning..life is about the journey is it not?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Going with the Flow
Sometimes when you've reached the end, you just need to LET GO. At some point, we realise that we really can't ever have control of anything and that life is a tune that plays regardless of our preference for the music. We just learn to stop trying to change the music, or staying off the dance floor in a sulk and start learning to dance instead. It's not giving in or giving up - it's accepting.
Accepting isn't defeat. It's wisely adjusting your sails according to the wind so you keep moving forward.
It's a self-loving thing to do..to ALLOW ourselves to seem weak and accept what we don't want. Truth is, it takes far more courage to let go and accept, and then to grow and flourish despite the setbacks..
I know how it feels to have been there so many times, crying out in my heart what the hell?? Why? But then i realise it's just me fighting to hang on to my own desired outcomes and avoid my fears coming true. And that's all i do each day..fight. I keep rowing against the current. But when i finally let go..i find myself being swept downriver rather easily and i just need to learn new ways of rowing.
I've found that instead of feeling that i should get everything right upfront to control outcomes, i can instead trust myself to be able to handle whatever happens. That way i just follow my heart and intuition, decide on the best at the given moment and never look back with regret, doubt, guilt or self-incrimination. Because I CAN. To hell with people's opinions, responses and reactions. If i am giving my best - that's that.
Accepting isn't defeat. It's wisely adjusting your sails according to the wind so you keep moving forward.
It's a self-loving thing to do..to ALLOW ourselves to seem weak and accept what we don't want. Truth is, it takes far more courage to let go and accept, and then to grow and flourish despite the setbacks..
I know how it feels to have been there so many times, crying out in my heart what the hell?? Why? But then i realise it's just me fighting to hang on to my own desired outcomes and avoid my fears coming true. And that's all i do each day..fight. I keep rowing against the current. But when i finally let go..i find myself being swept downriver rather easily and i just need to learn new ways of rowing.
I've found that instead of feeling that i should get everything right upfront to control outcomes, i can instead trust myself to be able to handle whatever happens. That way i just follow my heart and intuition, decide on the best at the given moment and never look back with regret, doubt, guilt or self-incrimination. Because I CAN. To hell with people's opinions, responses and reactions. If i am giving my best - that's that.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Honesty
I miss my girlfriends. I miss just being me.
It's hypomania season again and i've been so unavailable to all but my most necessary relationships, mainly my three girls and whoever i feel i must interact with daily. But i'm much stronger inside, a lot of pain has been dealt with and healed so i am a much better person and mom to my girls this time around through the season of single parenting.
When hypomania hits i become extremely bossy. In fact, i become an overwhelming control freak. Why wouldn't i? I get so scared of potential mess and possible pain. But mostly i just want my man back from whatever planet he's left me for, and my desire for control is my way of trying desperately to avoid the changes that seem to take him further and further away from me and his daughters.
But i can't.
And I think i am coming to a point of total honesty with myself, something that happened in the depression cycle and set me freer there. But it's now time to do the same kind of honest awakening in the hypomania cycle. It occurs to me now that the best way for me to avoid myself regressing when he changes is to separate both cycles into two significantly different lives with two completely different men. Like winter after summer. You need different clothes, tyres etc. It's not just in people's mind that they need to dress warmer.
And so, it's no longer just in my mind that i am living with a different man now than i was a month ago. I am giving myself permission to make all the necessary adjustments without feeling, as in previous times, that i have failed to love him enough to keep up with him and that he hasn't loved me enough to stay with me. I am also feeling less guilt about lapsing back into being a bossy control freak. I have not regressed as a person. I was merely caught off guard and coped the only way i knew best against change that threated the most important relationship to any girl - her love-life.
No, this time i am going to gain much ground by being completely honest with myself. Just like in depression, it's not my call to heal him or walk his road and bring him back. I can instead just love him and myself and my girls from my heart..and this time be honest about how much my heart can handle from day to day.
It's hypomania season again and i've been so unavailable to all but my most necessary relationships, mainly my three girls and whoever i feel i must interact with daily. But i'm much stronger inside, a lot of pain has been dealt with and healed so i am a much better person and mom to my girls this time around through the season of single parenting.
When hypomania hits i become extremely bossy. In fact, i become an overwhelming control freak. Why wouldn't i? I get so scared of potential mess and possible pain. But mostly i just want my man back from whatever planet he's left me for, and my desire for control is my way of trying desperately to avoid the changes that seem to take him further and further away from me and his daughters.
But i can't.
And I think i am coming to a point of total honesty with myself, something that happened in the depression cycle and set me freer there. But it's now time to do the same kind of honest awakening in the hypomania cycle. It occurs to me now that the best way for me to avoid myself regressing when he changes is to separate both cycles into two significantly different lives with two completely different men. Like winter after summer. You need different clothes, tyres etc. It's not just in people's mind that they need to dress warmer.
And so, it's no longer just in my mind that i am living with a different man now than i was a month ago. I am giving myself permission to make all the necessary adjustments without feeling, as in previous times, that i have failed to love him enough to keep up with him and that he hasn't loved me enough to stay with me. I am also feeling less guilt about lapsing back into being a bossy control freak. I have not regressed as a person. I was merely caught off guard and coped the only way i knew best against change that threated the most important relationship to any girl - her love-life.
No, this time i am going to gain much ground by being completely honest with myself. Just like in depression, it's not my call to heal him or walk his road and bring him back. I can instead just love him and myself and my girls from my heart..and this time be honest about how much my heart can handle from day to day.
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