A Lover's Embrace

It's my last post ... it's been such a journey.

The past few months have been absolutely the hardest .. i finally let go. I became detached. I was above being hurt. And then .. i realised i COULD NOT FEEL MY HEART anymore in the one part i loved so much as a little girl ..  Loving the Prince and being loved by the Prince. How could i deny the romantic in me?

And so ... i started a journey to climb back up from this detached pit i had dug myself. So many around me seemed to be living it well, but i just couldn't. I knew i would regret it on my deathbed .. and so the pain of holding back finally overcame the pain of risking it all .. in the name of love.. all over again.

I have cried more tears than i can recall ... so much those tears have watered a tree .. and helped it grow. It is a Tree of Love. And like all trees ... a seed had to die, winds broke some branches ... and some leaves died. Every flower certainly died. But how beautiful they were when they were blooming.

I find now that perhaps my greatest challenge lies in living FEARLESS. I seem to have developed an uncanny ability to weather all storms once they arrive ... but i still haven't mastered the art of calmly ANTICIPATING one.

And that is the greatest hurdle of all ... the wall over where the branches of this tree is trying to grow.

And i realise, it's really a struggle not born of merely BP ... but the struggle of a girl's heart to embrace and thrive despite changes in a relationship. It is the masculine-feminine dance.

I have learned that many triggers are based on my own feminine fears and needs. A need to feel secure and cherished. A need to be SEEN. A need to be free .. to just be a girl. Living with BP has certainly pushed that need to the fore ... so many responsibilities can tie me down that inside, grew a great awareness of a need to just be .. ME.

And i have come far enough on this journey to see .. i've had enough drama to last a lifetime. All i want now, is to LOVE without having to go through an emotional hurricane to feel ... to LOVE without fear of having my heart frozen by an early winter  .. and to most of all, not blame the BP, my lover  ... or myself. I live where there are natural disasters .. and that's that.

Somehow Love sustains us all, despite casualties and damage ..

So i won't stop believing in Love ..and i will just keep on living it.

If i have learned one thing through all the tears and injuries and getting back on my feet again ..

it's this: Love ... always finds a way.

As a Lover .. i embrace this.
Because i AM a Lover ... and i have embraced THIS ~ 

Here on .. i am moving to A Lover's Embrace. It's taking my love on this journey .. to a whole other level. After years of loving through the madness, i see the man i once loved spending less and less time 'away' .. and i have learned much of keeping a love alive despite all the setbacks that can come in between. I amtravelling onwards with hope and far more .. with LOVE .. for me. This love in me .. is what will keep me strong. I have learned that a love story doesn't complete us ... it just brings out all that is already in us.  So the more i embrace me .. and him ... just as we are ... the better will be this journey.

Wishing you LOVE and LIGHT ~

Rest

Sometimes i can't think

i can't feel

i can't even breathe right

I need to rest

Pause, put on hold, take a break.

Even if it's from living the life i want

(this was originally written many months back ..but i was so tired when i wrote it, so weary at heart .. i didn't realise that i hadn't actually posted it.. i think to be true to myself, it needs to appear here ..and so it has ..better late than never)

using my hands instead of my feet..to finish the race

My life now is ..truly living with full acceptance of BP. Our life is now focused on how to not just cope but gain a full life despite its existence. Not easy but i just breathe..and love and love and love. I cry, I pick myself up. I hug them all, i apologise when it gets to me. Somehow..i want us to be like those athletes in the paralympics..winning gold medals even though they have no feet. They use their hands to push those wheelchairs to victory. That's us...

Moving On..

I have spent days doing laundry and cooking and mending relationships and being supportive and selfless and making the best of what I have.

But this is not the life I want.
I was willing to wait all this out for a chance at real love and my lifelong dreams. But I have had to make them happen like Cinderella, from the availables in my life.

I want my happy ever after.
And I am no longer content to daily transform scraps into beautiful items. I want to know the feeling of beholding a beautiufl item that's been made by another's loving hands just for me.

I want the glass slipper to fit and to be taken away to the castle.
But I don’t want someone who has to try and love me once i'm there. I want to experience being loved from the heart with affirming words, expressions and actions.

I want someone to dance with. Not someone to dance for.
And certainly no more silences and mere recollections and imagination to fuel the days without music.

I was born with the ability to love compassionately. Yet I am genuinely grateful that i have had to learn to stop being a martyr and instead, build my self esteem and self worth through the power of self love. Still, i want to be loved by another and experience the compassion of a reciprocal love.

How do i get my happy ever after where i can be sure of being loved unconditionally by someone who struggles just to like himself daily?

Love Needs No Reason

I love you. When i first fell in love with you, I didn't have ... A REASON. My heart just beat faster around you, my heart filled with helium and felt lighter, freer. The whole world seemed filled with possibility. Why was that? Why was ur filled with so much possibility? I see no wthat i thought we could do more together than living separate lives. Synergy.
Do we have more now? YES. Our kids. Our family. That's the more we have and that's IT.

What more do we have? What more could we have. What more is there?

These are the questions that have undone me. But the truth is, Love needs no reason. It just IS. I love you because it feels right. Because i am only able to lose myself, my sense of all reason and logical control with you. ONLY YOU. Which means that when i am with you, i come completely undone from all the rigid structures in me. All the rules, all the patterns of accepted conduct and accepted ways. I just am completely driven by my longing to be accepted AS I AM. Driven by a need to be connected. To hear the words "I love you" and know you feel the same un-doneness with me. To lose myself in that feeling.

It mattered not when i first fell in love with what you were good at or what you were not. IT DIDN'T. I just wanted to be near you.
Why has that changed? Only because we have responsibilities towards other people now. When we first feel in love, that love was so consuming we didn't care who else mattered. But then we grew accustomed to being together, as we learned to manage those feelings we had for each other.. and as we gained reason once more, REASON TOOK OVER. Suddenly other people began to matter, and especially our children.

Our children. The extra we wanted to have out of life. When i first fell in love with you, having your child was a gift. For both of us. Now, it is a responsibility. A part of life that is part of everyone's life. Not just ours. And so, the gift lost its value.
They feel it. We feel it. But it's only because.. I have forgotten what i felt like when i first fell in love with you. Reason took over my heart.

I don't know why i love a man who has bipolar. I don't know how i stay on with him because it involves coping and overcoming issues with addiction, it means fighting to keep my strong family values and sometimes single-handedly keeping the family steady, it means accepting that he sometimes has limited or no control over his excessive passions, and that he can become aloof and rebellious towards life which can be downright inconvenient or even damaging at times. I don't. It doesn't make sense and i can see so clearly how i could end up miserable sharing living space and joined decision making with this man. But that is NOT why i first fell in love with him. Not me. I didn't rationally evaluate how life with him would be like BEFORE deciding that i would share life with him. No. When i met him, my heart took wings and all else in my life has been to make that flight continue on. Except that fight actually doesn't need anything to do with effort or reason to continue on.

Irresponsible, unsteady, bad boy...bipolar. Labels the world attaches to a man i feel happy with. Labels that make me feel a coward to love him freely... because i know it makes me end up being judged as foolish and wanting. The one great fear i have - being labelled a fool. And i have allowed it to rob me of the very wings i gained when i i first fell in love. Back when he didn't need to be successful, responsible, wise, mature, stable, a 'good' father. Back when he was just a boy, and all that moved my heart was the way i felt so right near him. Just being near him. It occurs to me now that's all i have ever wanted. To be near him, to feel right, to feel happy in my heart.. as if i am 'home'. That feeling i have never found anywhere else in life, and is the reason i am still with him.

Label me foolish. But i think i am logical enough to realise that all things we want in life come with a price tag. Something of value needs to be exchanged in order to gain what we treasure. And some things cost more than others. In my case, i am willing to pay a very high price to feel what i have never been able to feel anywhere else with anyone else. Now, if i can afford it, why does it matter to anyone else what i obtain? It is merely their judgement of what they would be willing to pay. But they are not me and so they never will be able to fathom my willingness to pay. Cost and value are NOT the same thing. And so by that reasoning, i can reason away reason itself and.. follow my heart.

And my heart wants him. If he will have me. Only me.

If it's only me he will share himself with, then that's all i want. Irresponsible, unsteady, bipolar, bad boy. Labels i will accept. Judge me foolish, i don't care. Cost and value are two different things. I have found my treasure, where my heart finds its wings. Where i grow and evolve the MOST in life. Where i become the true metal i was meant to be. Judge me to be lacking in all else, but what you fail to see is that i have what i most want - what gives my heart power to defeat the fears and limitations of my mind. For when i love him, i defy all reason and logic.. especially for myself. I am left completely helpless and undone, simply BEing a little girl who feels happy because she has that which her heart most needs to stay beating strong and true.

Fight Back Passive Aggressive Actions!

Fight Back Passive Aggressive Actions!

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I Don't Know

How do you make a life with someone who only wants to live in their own head? You can't. You make the life you want happen. And then hope they'll come along for the ride.

Limitations

No matter how much of an ocean of love mommy has .. some things in life are just beyond mommy's hands ....
So mommy can only pray and pray and pray...and love you the best you will let me.

Why the guilt?

i think those times when people feel guilt for something negative they cannot control..it is actually them grieving, but being unable to let go of the fact that they did not have control (much like a parent whose child inherits an illness)

for those time when people feel guilt for something seemingly 'inconsequential', it is them straining against the values they have been taught to adopt but are actually a mismatch to thier true essence.

as for those who feel genuine guilt over something that was done poorly, it is a regret, a wish within themselves to have done better.

in all cases, guilt is a SIGNAL..a type of gauge for our inner self love tank.. when we have guilt, we know we need to do some re-alignment within..whether it is to accept a truth we have been avoiding, or to evolve and sift out what is our true values that match who we truly are, or to take steps to forgive ourselves and move forward to a better today and tomorrow.

it is when i avoid guilt, and label it as a bad thing that problems arise. in fact, many of life's issues arise from a DUALITY VIEW of good and bad. when i reframe what has happened into what works/doesn't work or positive/negative and leave emotional judgements out of the picture..i can usually see better how that guilt can actually work for me, to help me re-align with where and who i really need to be..

I forgive you for breaking my heart..

How is it possible to forgive people who lie and steal from us..whether the impact is material or our time/energy even our happiness..?

I think that happens when we see that in forgiving them it is WE who are letting go of the hurt and negativity their poor choices have caused. We forgive not to bless them, but to bless ourselves, as an act of self love. Being positive does not mean we allow others to bully us and we become doormats, it is not to become foolish and lay ourselves open to attack. Rather, it is to always CHOOSE to reframe what is before us and inside us in a better light.to turn on the light sometimes. Darkness after all cannot be explained..it isn't really anything except the absence of light. So being positive is merely bringing light and love to any situation we are in..it's a choice that affirms our own soul's right to be free and to be loved. It is being able to CHOOSE for ourselves a happy ending within us, if not without, so we do not stay trapped and helpless by what has hit us hard.

I may not get back the item/time/energy stolen, but i will come to a point where i will also no longer believe that losing whatever it is that was taken away has impaired my life. I can overcome and thrive even..